October 2020

The final say…….

Who doesn’t like the last word? I really do.  I mean I REALLY do (just ask my family)! I love to imagine the conversation in my head of what I would/should/wish I would have said as the concluding music plays, I have the final word, and I ride gallantly into the sunset in victory. It feels like that is a lot of what we are looking for right now, the last word. 

There are secret ways now that we try to achieve our goal of the final word. We post social media memes or statements; we can put it on a bumper sticker, on a t-shirt or a sign in our yard.  Statements like—”My body my choice,” “Policy over person,” “You can’t be a Christian and vote for Biden,” “You can’t be a minority and vote for Trump,” “Keep Christ in Christmas,” “Science is real,” “Back the blue,” “Black lives matter.” These statements make us feel powerful. There is nothing wrong with being emphatic about what we think and how we feel.   But, sometimes,  these statements give us the very fleeting and false impression that we are right for everyone and have the final word. They are the final scene in The Breakfast Club movie, where we walk away with our fisted hand raised high as the musical score ends. 

Where does delighting in this take us? I don’t know about you, but it takes me to a pretty terrible place. After all, it isn’t like we expect everyone to AGREE with us. It is 2020, after all, and I think we have all given up on collective agreement. The only thing we can genuinely agree on right now is that puppies and babies are adorable, especially if they do not belong to you (someone will most certainly respond with a question as to why I didn’t say kittens; there is no winning here). 

The difficulty with statements such as those I listed above is that they are meant to close the door on the topic. After all, we do not do nuance well. I am right, you are wrong, and that is the end, close it up and shut it down. My favorite current trend is to post something super political or controversial on social media and follow it up with a statement like “No political comments please” or “I reserve the right to delete your comments.” We are saying to our people that feel free to give me an “AGREE, 100%, thumbs up,” and otherwise, just sit on it and keep quiet; your opinion is not welcome here. It sounds kind of silly when we think of it that way. Why wouldn’t we just direct message people or text or call the people that already agree with us when we need affirmation? After all, it is no mystery where we all are right now. So many of us have even already voted, gotten our credit by posting, and now sit and wait for the post-election circus to begin. If your point isn’t to engage and converse, then why in the world would you post it to your 200-800 closest friends on Facebook or Instagram without inviting a dialogue (unless it is a puppy or a baby)? 

We use these kinds of statements to be a conversation ender.  What we need is for them to be the conversation starter. Since the very beginning of time, we have disagreed. One of the best examples is the Bible. For most Christians, they believe strongly that the Bible is the final and ultimate authority. However, thousands of biblical scholars, ministers, priests, and religious instructors can take any single phrase from the Bible and debate it to death. Other than the fact that Jesus is loving and forgiving, and we should try to be like Him, I can’t think of many other areas that don’t get heavily debated from the Bible. When we disagree, we love to say things like, you are a cafeteria Christian; you pick and choose what you follow depending on what makes sense to you. Well….. Yes, I think that is true for pretty much all of us. I don’t think any of us are above the cafeteria line pick and choose culture, we just don’t like to admit it. 

None of us exist in a vacuum, and we each compartmentalize, justify and make excuses for how and what we think. We like it when things are neat and straightforward, black and white, in or out. When we wrestle with it, it can make us even more confident that our way of thinking is correct. When we change sides, it also leads us to an idea that we have been enlightened, and now everyone else should also be. There is no shortage of ability to find support for what we think. Some people believe that peanut allergies aren’t real, and Sandy Hook never happened. And they too can find data to support what they believe by all of our favorite friend Google. This is very messy, and it is very much a part of humanhood. 

When we get to the nuts and bolts of it, I am the final authority on pretty much nothing but myself (don’t tell my kids). What I think and how I feel is a big cocktail of my origin family, my experiences, education, disposition, current list of worries, and what phase of life I am in. Case in point, there is no one on the team, “Covid-19 isn’t real”, that has lost a person they love or watched a person they love horribly suffer from it. When life gets personal and real, it changes us. It should change us; this is how we widen and grow. By the same token, when you are watching your life as you know it slip away due to lose of job, lack of benefits, or lose of your business, there is no way you can’t feel like we have to do a better job of protecting our economy despite Covid-19. We talk about it all the time; it is our lens, scope, and perspective. Discounting it, in anyone, is unfair and wrong. It is like saying, I know all of that happened to you, but what happened to me is more important, so I win.  Our perspective is what we bring to the table because it is the garment we have stitched.  We will never stop talking about it because it will never not be the MOST relevant component to what we think, how we behave, and how, ultimately, we will find unity in disagreement again.   

Life is complicated and nuanced. It is filled with beautiful and amazing people and people that are awful. I think there are more of the former vs. the latter. Most of us find ourselves somewhere in the conflicted middle most of the time. That is usually where the truth lies, so I think it is an excellent place to be. The middle means you understand the importance of health care for everyone and the fact that raising taxes for healthcare will be very difficult or even devastating for middle and lower-middle-income families. The middle means you hate the destruction of protestors and still understand that we must address systemic racism in a direct and aggressive way. The middle means we must wrestle with what it means to have a baby you aren’t prepared for or have no support for and making a very difficult decision to have an abortion. The middle is MESSY. The extremes are easier. 

BUT, there is so much loveliness in the middle. I love the middle because you can still be genuinely concerned for your neighbor even though you are voting in opposite ways. It is the place where compassion and love most easily live. You can live with the election results, and you can usually find a silver lining in most people. I hate the middle because it feels like a position where you have to do the most work. It is challenging work to get to know people, understand others’ perspectives, and not judge people you definitively disagree with. 

The middle is warm with plenty of space. So come on in. I think the work is really worth doing. 

Let’s get to work!

Advice From A Friend: Break up with the last word

I am enjoying my new recipe for pumpkin muffins this week and loving my outside time. I’d like this weather to last through February, but it feels like a big ask. So instead, I am just going to be grateful for today.  I also voted this week, as did many people according to daily reports. I find these statistics amazing, fantastic, and trustworthy. That is a good feeling that we can trust the numbers; I’ve missed this. I have never known people to be so excited and proud to vote; at least we can all agree on that. What is it about voting that makes us feel so good? For me, it is the ability to do SOMETHING and something which feels productive. I enjoy thanking the poll workers for their volunteerism. I appreciate the ease with which we can vote in our area because it is not the case everywhere, and I enjoy that my vote matters the same as yours does.  If generosity is the enemy of narcissism, maybe voting is the enemy of complacency. Either way, it was my highlight of the week, and my new pumpkin bread recipe, OUTSTANDING!

I’m not sure if it is getting older or the general state of things right now, but small acts feel particularly impactful right now. I listened to a podcast about breaking the stress cycle last week, and I decided to re-institute long hugs again. I do long hugs on things like birthdays and the first day of school, but long hugs are needed right now on a daily basis at my house. My family gets the benefit of this, and it hasn’t taken them long to realize they can’t fight it; I’m not letting go until I’m ready, so their only option is to hug back. The 20-second hug is glorious; I recommend you try it. I like to use that time to feel the girth of them, smell the day on them, and breathe deep. I also like to say what I can my three intention prayer. That is usually for their health and safety, for them to find their vocational calling, which brings them joy and self -worth, and for them to find a partner that they love and will love them equally well. Sometimes the hug lasts more than 20 seconds because I have a few add-ins (like please catch up on your homework and lose the sass), but, ultimately it lasts as long as I need it to. It is a small thing, but it feels like a huge thing. 

It reminds me of that viral video of US Navy Admiral William McRaven, who instructed us to start by making your bed to change the world. Though I am not a bedmaker, I have to disagree with him on his particular first choice in task; I wholeheartedly agree that changing the world requires lots of consistent small things. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sK3wJAxGfs

There is also a theory called the “Broken Window.” It was developed by scientists James Q. Wilson and George L Kelling. It suggests that a small and minor thing like a small broken window in one house can cause a domino effect that can impact your entire community. When we fix the broken window, we can improve the community. 

There is so much power in small things. We have so much ability to help where we can and do what we are able. This ability changes as we change. There are seasons of life where our small things look one way and other phases where they look another. This isn’t about self-centeredness; it is about acknowledgment.  If the 20-second hug and voting are all you’ve got right now, so be it. If your small things are keeping your house tidy and making a spreadsheet well, I wish you lived with me. If your energy is in phone banking, cooking, crafting, working, whatever it is, go forth and do. We cannot be or do all things, at all times, for all people. Ironically,  I find myself in these spaces, not thinking LESS of myself but thinking of MYSELF less. It is the combined power of doing, the power of distraction, and the power of gratefulness.  

Life is not linear other than there is a beginning and an end. Grief is not linear, relationships are not linear, and we are not linear. We are messy and curvy and sometimes all tied up in knots. Our job is not to let the knots be a permanent part of us. What serves us well when life gets complicated is small things. It is embracing that there are seasons, episodes, and times of great difficulty and times of great happiness. We seem to remember and focus on difficulty more because they strike such a more resonant chord with us emotionally. Our goal is to learn to react differently or less, adjust ourselves in our thoughts and postures, and learn how to live with or around things, and small things help us do this. This allows us to maintain relationships with those we disagree with; it will enable us to heal during times of significant loss and allows us to grow and change. This can include boundaries and significant life changes when they must. 

Our lives are not black and white that we often desire or that people tell us they should be.  We operate more like a slow dimmer and less like an on and off switch. We tend to grow and change slowly with incremental movements like a light that slowly dims without you even knowing until you look around and realize it is dark.  The final charge may happen with definitive and robust finality, but the process to get there was a curvy road of blood, sweat, and tears. Small things give us something to anchor to; they allow us a centering without a tremendous amount of energy.

We have examples of people doing small things all around us. They are not the ones barking loudest right now. They are the ones going quietly about their work. They are the ones willing to fix the window instead of complaining about how it reflects on the aesthetics of their own home. They are the ones making sure they are not depleted so that they have the energy to do small things. One of my favorites is the late St. Mother Teresa of Calcutta. While she is well known for saying, “We can do no great things, only small things with great love,” what she said that is even more powerful to me is this, “How can you love a God whom you do not see, if you do not love your neighbor whom you see, whom you touch, and with whom you live.”  

Try some LONG hugs and some pumpkin bread

Advice From A Friend: Start with small things 

Hello friends,

I see pumpkins and goblins and haybales, oh my. It is fall; we are ready to see Halloween decorations in front yards, and for the distracting debates about whether a pumpkin spice latte is worth the calories and if candy corn should be celebrated or banned. It is a welcome distraction from the madness surrounding us. We have been shoved right off our rockers right now my friends; I’m looking to re-find my footing.

I was talking with someone this week about trust. She articulated what many of us are feeling; I don’t even know who to trust. The political climate continues to rise, the signs keep going up, people keep doubling down, and the number of political ads on TV (still watching Dancing with the Stars) doubles every day.  Trust is an easy word but a challenging practice. In the absence of it, we live in this skeptical place of wariness where we are confident that everyone is trying to pull the wool over our eyes. Skeptical and I don’t get along, so I’m looking for my way through.

One of the most challenging things about trust is that it requires some level of intimacy. We don’t just throw trust around like candy at a parade. Trust is built over time and requires that we have respect for one another’s story. 

We get plenty of examples of broken trust from TV, movies, and the news. I don’t know if you have watched the Netflix show Social Dilemma, but oh boy, it is pretty mind-blowing. What makes it tough to watch is that you feel violated and manipulated. I felt the same way after watching that Edward Snowden Citizenfour documentary. It’s a terrible feeling. It’s like being the last to hear about something that happens in your own family; it hurts. 

While watching “The Social Dilemma,”  I’ve never felt more like a pawn. It was like being in The Truman show but then realizing you aren’t one of the “in the know” actors.  You are Jim Carrey trying to figure out why people act so weird all the time. Watching that makes you realize, though you might not have agreed to trust social media platforms, you certainly have an excellent reason to DISTRUST them. This is a tricky tightrope to walk. How do we navigate news outlets, social media, influencers, medical study reports, political leaders, local leaders, and religious leaders right now? It appears that is the million-dollar question of the week my friends, and I’m afraid the answer goes back to something we’ve talked about before, our values and our actions. 

The Oxford Dictionary defines trust as “a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. I love the Brene Brown “marbles in your jar” example. She used this example with her daughter to talk about friendship and decide who in life we can trust.  When people act benevolently toward us, we trust them, that is them putting marbles in our jar. When people are consistent and show up, we trust them. We trust what is predictable and reliable. We can trust people that look out for us and want the very best for us. In friendship, this looks like people that check in with us and people that stop what they are doing to help us when we need it. It looks like people willing to have tough but honest conversations. It doesn’t look like people who show up when it is convenient for them or when we have something they need. This doesn’t mean sometimes we aren’t going to get it wrong; no one is perfect in relationships. But when that happens, an authentic apology is offered, and behavior is improved. What topples the marble jar of trust is when someone defies us when they talk behind our back, when they keep secrets, cheat, or when they don’t stand up for us. Overturning our marble jar, whether we are a child or adult means, you have to earn my trust back by consistently and reliably filling my jar back up. It doesn’t mean pretending like it was never overturned. It doesn’t mean we leave the relationship, but it does mean the relationship changes. Regaining trust takes a lot of work.

Trust is a challenging and bumpy road right now. It feels like all around us; we have misinformation, manipulation, and people who do not have our best interests in mind. After all, politicians, news media, and influencers are not our friends. In most cases, even if we have MET them, we do not KNOW them. We know OF THEM. We see their behavior on tv, on social platforms, or we read about it in the news, but there are layers between knowing of them and knowing them.  For people we don’t know to earn our trust, that is even more complicated.

It feels like the right time to dig deeper into trust right now. After all, we have no shortage of examples of distrust circling us like sharks. It is important to remember that trust isn’t built on agreement. Trust doesn’t mean we even have the same core values. We can’t equate trust to like-mindedness. We can disagree and still deliver on our promises, show up, and behave with integrity. However, when we act with secrecy, we fail to deliver on promises or behave inconsistently (special favors for only certain people), we are not trustworthy, and we deserve that label. 

Here is where I am working on trust. Above all things, my actions need to line up with my words, which reflect my trustworthiness. For example, let’s say I’ve always told my children that we don’t name call because it is shaming and degrading.  Then I shouldn’t be name-calling, ANYONE. I don’t get to call certain people awful names because I feel furious or don’t line up with them politically. When I decide to selectively name call a particular group of people because I just can’t stand them, well, that gets pretty confusing, doesn’t it?  If this is my measuring stick, I am okay with shaming and degrading SOME people. This is confusing for sure, but like partial truths, it is dangerous and gets ugly quickly.  When trust is low, misinformation, and belief in conspiracy theories or ideas that certain people or groups are inherently good or bad, is high. We are in a LOW TRUST place in America right now. 

Trust is fundamental in our lives. Strong friendships, intimacy, the ability to raise children, and a healthy work-life require trust. It is a glue that holds us together. We are designed TO trust, and to do that, we must see people’s vulnerabilities. As H.L Menken said, “It is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together.  So, I’m lowering my fence and building my longer table. I’m working on showing up as trustworthy myself right now and asking my family to do the same. I want to be called out when I exhibit behaviors that don’t line up with my values.  After all, I have no shortage of marbles I can fill others jars with right now, and that feels like the right place to start.  

Get outside and enjoy the fall

Advice From A Friend: Go fill some marble jars by being trustworthy