November 2020

Hello my friends, here we are with episode 33.0. It is mid-November. It is almost thanksgiving. There is much to be thankful for. There is much to be angry and frustrated about.  There is much to be worried about.  We cannot be all of those things at high levels at once. Let’s all decide to go by way of grateful these next couple of weeks.

How do we move grateful up on our list of feelings right now? How do we appease our worry, anger, and fear and embrace the soft and gushy THANK YOU? How do we be grateful when COVID-19 numbers are high, we can’t do thanksgiving the way we have before, there is still great political divide, people suffering and much distress for our friends and neighbors? I don’t know exactly how, but I think we start with just deciding to put gratefulness in our daily practice.  

I was scanning the radio stations the other day, and I heard someone poking fun at being grateful. I found it offensive. It just made me super mad. I do understand that the “Bless your heart” form of grateful can be annoying. This is the obligatory gratitude. I’m writing a thank you because my mom is forcing me to. I’m giving you a pie because I feel guilty or obligated kind of grateful. Yes, those forms of thankfulness are no good (though in the case of children, sorry, you write the thank you’s) if you live in my house. Genuine gratitude is thankful appreciation for what you have, whether it be tangible or intangible. It confirms goodness in your life and acknowledges that this goodness comes from many sources outside of yourself. For me, it includes a hefty amount of prayers of thanksgiving for my spiritual gifts and all the head starts I was given, which include a supportive family, good health, a strong ability to learn and grow, and tolerance and interest in people. I never feel closer to God than in prayer, and gratitude helps me connect with something larger than myself. So when I hear someone mock our need to be grateful, well, I want to poke your eyeballs out.  It is not women or girls that need to be thankful. It is all of us. 

Gratefulness is our everyday life work. Are we thankful when we get an unexpected gift, absolutely. If we get a negative COVID test- definitely, raise at work, holla, an unexpected visit from a friend, vacation day, indeed. But the mundane and stressful days make it nearly impossible to count blessings. It requires some work within us. The work we need to do within us is always what drives what is coming out of us. It is human nature to measure where we have been affected, categorize how we feel, and take notes on our own frustration. When our interest is focused on OURSELVES, in what we want and need, how we are being slighted, or on the ways our life is hard, we cannot be grateful. 

Many years ago, one of my kids came home every day, really frustrated with a school friend. It was a broken record conversation that always ended, no matter how hard I tried, in advising patience and kindness. No matter what, I could sit and listen and nod for a few minutes, but I couldn’t help myself. By the end, I was saying things like, “When people are hurting, when people are suffering, they do the best they can. We do not know other people’s burdens.” The more I said it, the angrier my child became. I dreaded the afterschool conversation and its foregone conclusion of my kid giving me the silent treatment. 

At my wit’s end,  I started thinking about people in my life that I have been frustrated with or angry at and reflected on my strategy for that. I hate conflict with people; it’s one of my least favorite feelings. When I am super frustrated with someone’s behavior, I change that frustration into empathy. I feel sorry for them. I change the narrative in my head, and I imagine the load of their burdens and their inability to handle where they are. I suppose all that they didn’t ask for, the qualities they haven’t developed, all they carry with them, and their limited support. Once I do this, my anger turns to empathy, and I can decide if I can help, if I need to help or if I just need to leave it there. It is easier to feel sorry for someone than it is to be angry with them. It is SO MUCH easier. We cannot control other people’s behavior, no matter what we do. 

My broken record of advice, in this case, was not helping.  The following day, I told an honest story of someone I had been so frustrated with for so long but someone I care about. When I explained how I started to focus on the load she had vs. her challenging behavior, it helped me. My child responded, “So I need to treat them like a toddler like they don’t know better.” I mean, that isn’t exactly the way I would have said it, but it’s a start.  I shrugged and said, “Yes, let’s try that. “After that, the after school conversation started to change. Suddenly there was less frustration and more empathy. The complaints became less and less each week. Suddenly there was room for appreciation of the human struggle. Judgment and condemnation take up a lot of space in us, and it leaves little room or energy for being thankful or grateful.  It is an excellent time to appreciate this so we can move on. 

The work of gratefulness can feel fluffy and weak; I assure you, it is not. That is why people recommend things like grateful journals or thankfulness days. Developing that habit has to be worked for. Once the pattern takes hold and gratefulness becomes a daily practice, we suddenly see joy, humor, and curiosity that we can easily miss when our focus is elsewhere.  

Gratitude is not only a virtue; it’s a survival skill.  This capacity can get more significant as times get more challenging. It is why it is often our least privileged, not our most, who appreciate the smallest of offerings. The research repeatedly tells us that when we practice gratefulness, we are happier and healthier. What is surprising is that newer research shows are that it isn’t the focus on positive words that are making the change; it is the absence of negative words. To say it another way, it was, in the example above, the shift from negative remarks about the friend’s behavior more than even the verbalizing of positive words that makes the change. It is where space is created.

Gratitude improves relationships, motivates people to work harder, helps us be more forgiving, and leaves space. This can be done a million other ways; it can be done in writing, prayer, or person. But think for a moment of the times in your life when you have been thanked and when you have been THANKED. I’m guessing you remember the ones in the second category. We remember them because we experience their authenticity. When we thank or are thanked most authentically, we feel it to our core, and we don’t forget it. We could use more of this right now.  

I hope you will practice authentic gratefulness this month. I hope you will share it with others, and I hope it becomes a habit you never break up with. 

Advice From A Friend: Make space for  gratefulness 

Good evening my friends, it is late, I am tired. This will be short :).

Human flourishing. What does it take for us to flourish? Does it require that we are in a healthy relationship? Do our kids have to all be doing well for us to thrive? Do we have to have the income we want, the house we want, the vacation we want? Do we have to have the President we want to flourish? 

It’s a hard question because much of it depends on where we are and our “life load.” There are some deal-breaker situations like a terminally ill family member, a relationship with abuse, or an estrangement that makes our life load a 100 out of 100 on the stress scale.  For most of this, we are on the continuum with our life load.  Are our kids difficult or risky? Are we budgeting or looking at foreclosure? Did we get 7 hours of sleep or 3?  One of the ideas I had never thought much about before COVID- 19 was this idea of viral load. Viral load is the amount of virus in a. person’s blood, specifically the number of viral particles per milliliter of blood.  When a massive viral load of anything overtakes our body, it puts us on our heels, vs. when we are exposed to a small viral load, often we can take it in and fight it without a severe consequence. I wonder if how we are responding right now is related to our “life load.” 

Life load can look pretty different for each of us. It can also look different generationally. If you are 20 something, you are unlikely to be as worried about being sick as if you are in your 70’s. If you are in your early 30’s, you may not be thinking twice about medicare vs. if you are 65, healthcare is probably near the top of your list. How much of what is happening right now is related to our “level of viral life load.” If we have lost a job, lost a loved one, or had significant levels of change since Covid-19, our “life viral load” may continue to be overwhelming right now. If the changes since March have fallen in more of an “inconvenient and annoying” category, we may wonder what all the fuss is about.  Suppose you personally have been impacted consistently and negatively by racism, by unacceptance related to your religion, by the way you speak, or by your job; this contributes heavily to your “life viral load.” 

And so it leaves us, right smack where we are, navigating the line between protecting ourselves and understanding that our life scope is one of many. 

I’m coming down to this, the unpleasantness of fear of contagion and loneliness isn’t the same for all of us. The idea of a new president or the thought of a rigged election isn’t either. Neither is racism, or sexism, fear of terrorists, religious persecution, or any number of other examples. The idea that we are all going to come to some immediate understanding here, well, it’s not just unlikely, it’s impossible. 

The very best thing I can do right now is to engage in meaningful work. Meaning work does not mean, go out and make some money, though it CAN be that. Meaningful work means purpose-driven vocational work. This does not exist by snarky comments on social media, criticizing those you don’t agree with, or spending hours scrolling (I’m guessing we have all done WAY too much of that already this week- election results… refresh…. refresh… refresh). It doesn’t involve casting stones, projecting, or perching yourself as the authority figure. There is no room for cheap seat criticisms right now.

Whether we like it or not, we are purposeful human beings. We do much better in life when we have a meaningful purpose. When this is taken from us because we are ill, we lose a job, can no longer participate, or are forced to stay home, our “life viral load” increases. We don’t have the distraction, nor do we have the endorphins that we receive through meaningful work 

Through vocational work comes creative thinking, problem-solving, adaptation, frustration, and joy. It allows us to feel connected and accomplished.  We must engage ourselves to be ourselves. But sometimes, we must also engage ourselves not to be taken over by our evil alter ego (PRIDE).  

Sometimes we do this naturally. I often stop everything and bake or cook when I feel overwhelmed by the world (I’m really jealous of the people who manage this through running; that is the much BETTER caloric win). Typically, it is the last thing I have time for, but I love to make food for others. Sometimes on Sunday, I make three meals for the week. I like to think it is because I am getting prepared for the week. But it is usually because in my head, I imagine my Kung Fu karate chop to someone’s shin, and I need someplace to put all of “that”. When I am finished and can deliver some goodies or know I can take them to work, I feel purposeful, and my mind is set free from what or who was overwhelming it. As a bonus, I have not hurt myself, which would happen if I tried to karate chop someone.

Our challenging times are not over. Our “viral life loads” are high. We need the good exhaustion and distraction of worthy vocational work. This work’s nature can be so many things, but the value of this work is immeasurable. We have SO much room in our own backyard to shape the world. Sometimes I think we feel small and we forget that we have any. When we feel purposeless, we lose our own agency and our ability to manage our “viral load” in a healthy way. We start to look for ideal circumstances or start measuring how our life isn’t what we imagined. 

 Our vocation is doing more than earning paychecks, getting kids where they need to go, giving your neighbor a sweet treat, providing help at your church or school, writing thank you letters, it is also in its ability for us to feel needed and worthy. 

Run, or walk, or bake or write

Advice From A Friend: Find what work will best help you manage your viral load

Happy Halloween, everyone. I hope you had a safe candy-filled Halloween. I loved all the creative new ways people distributed candy this year- candy shoots and goodie bags. I also loved the creative costuming; we can do great things when challenged.

I happen to be a lover of Halloween.  Maybe because I love candy so much or perhaps because I love to dress up and see other people’s costumes, it is perhaps my inner magical thinker since I am typically reasonably practical. I’m not sure; it feels like the wrong time to overthink it.

There are so many things that could be said right now, 48 hours from the most divisive election of our lifetime.  I think most of us don’t believe it will even be over in 48 hours. Is that being a fatalistic or a realist? I’m not sure, but I think sometimes we just prepare for the worst. 

It’s too bad Halloween couldn’t have happened the day after the election; it may be the welcome distraction we will need. 

I’m pulling out every piece of my optimism from here until, well, whenever this is officially put to bed. I’m putting it in writing, so I hold myself to it. I’m attaching a theme song to make it even more fun. Here’s what I am starting with:

1. Hold on to HOPE. 

Hope means that no matter how the situation looks now, we believe it CAN get better. This is how people survive horrifying trials, abuse, and terrible diseases like cancer. Hope is medicinal because it reminds us that living is worth it even when circumstances are not of our choosing.  What we CANNOT do is use misguided hope. Misguided hope is saying things like, all the problems will go away when my candidate gets elected. Misguided hope says all I have to do is pray, and my cancer will go away without treatment. Misguided hope and hope based on false information leads to missed opportunities and poor choices. Let’s use good old-fashioned hope, that we can make lemonade out of lemons. We CAN do better, be better, and live better no matter what happens this week. As Emily Dickenson said, “I dwell in possibility.”

• MUSICAL SELECTION: I’m going with “The Land of Hope and Dreams” by Bruce Springsteen and The E Z Street band. Now before you get all judgy, let me explain. I was never a big Bruce fan UNTIL I went to his concert in 2016; he was in his late 60’s by the way. That dude played for 3.5 hours STRAIGHT, and he was terrific. He loves music, he loves his band,  and I decided he was worthy of my love too. This is a fantastic song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWvdFIU6hZg
• 2. Our ability to take a moment and PAUSE will save relationships right now. 

Sometimes, the best way to make a bad situation WORSE is to jump in with two feet. This is not a moment where the best action is to jump into the cold swimming pool without testing the water first. It is our PAUSE, our WAIT that can make a bad situation better and the lack thereof, so much worse. It may feel less satisfying at the moment, but there is no question, our NOT ACTING following the election is a healthy way OF ACTING. There are times when we need swift action; this does not feel like one of those times. This feels like the time to breathe deep, gather our thoughts, remember others’ perspectives, hit the pause button between action and reaction, and wait. 

• MUSICAL SELECTION:  I decided to go with “Patience” by Guns and Roses. Not only because we desperately need representation from rock bands of the late 1980s and early ’90s but also because the song starts with whistling. And by the way, when asked, I say YES to the question of, “Is Guns and Roses a hairband?” (not debatable for me, don’t @ me) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkoeqtKUUe4

• 3. We can take up all the space or leave space for another, but we can’t do both.

This is a piece of advice I find myself frequently giving, especially to high achievers. I need to spend more time heeding my own advice. The other day, I was with a small group of people, and a young mother asked for some advice. I was dialed up and ready; I mean, I LOVE to advise young mothers. I have made most of the mistakes, so I’d like to help you not make them. Advice giving also makes me feel connected and engaged, and I think I’m pretty decent at it. I was ready to dial right in when another young mother, whom I do not know well, very quietly said a couple of succinct and wise words to her friend. She said in 20 words what I usually say in about 220. I was stunned, impressed, and slightly embarrassed. I wonder how many times in my life, I have talked before another who had the wisdom to share. But the deal is, I have to make room for that. If I’m the one who takes that role every time, others will let me take it. If I sign up to host the party, be the room mom, lead the organization or meeting each time, am I leaving space for someone else who may not be comfortable doing it but would do it in a different and valuable way? This feels like the right time for us to share our space. 

• MUSICAL SELECTION- “Have a Heart” by Bonnie Raitt. Is it a s-t-r-e-a-t-c-h? Well, maybe, but here are a couple of things to consider a) I love Bonnie Raitt and so should you b) At the beginning of the song, she says “Hey Shut Up,” which I think we all want to say right now, but we shouldn’t say it, we should do it and c) Most importantly, the song is about how having a heart means you let go of people you love even when that means you will be LOVED LESS. It is making space for both parties, BOOM (see I did it). Bonnie Raitt is the BEST. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUT94urklFI  

• 4. My moral convictions are an OPINION, NOT A FACT.

When I sift back through all that we have endured regarding this “political season,” what it boils down to is that my opinion reflects my moral convictions, and yours are related to yours. NONE of these are facts (there is no 2+2 = 4 in moral convictions).  Neither of our opinions is MORE or LESS valuable though they likely line up easily in the groups we participate in. Imposing my ideas and views as FACTS should only be done with my spouse and children (ha!) and maybe at book club. None of us DESERVE victory, even if we have worked hard and done all the things. 

• MUSICAL SELECTION: Okay, I have a weird love of this song, which started when Emma Stone performed it in her Lip Sync Battle with Jimmy Fallon, “All I do is win” by DJ Khalid. It’s one of those songs that makes you feel like running if you’re walking or running faster if your running slow (I mean for about 30 seconds until you get tired). Plus, I figure we could all use a little happy, and watching Emma Stone lip sync this song is happy. Please note- I would call it PG-13 language, so if that doesn’t jive, skip on by.  Here is the clip to the battle: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/tvshowbiz/video-1092812/Emma-Stone-All-I-Do-Win.html

Here is the clip to the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtPluXq_hko

• 5. And finally, no matter how this shakes down,  every little thing is going to be all right (preview of our song, get ready for some reggae). We can win with grace; we can lose with grace. The world does not belong to our leaders, political parties, or people talking the loudest; the world belongs to all of humanity. We have lots of room in our own backyard to exhibit the behavior we want to see, show the love we want to be shown, and do the good works we believe are worth doing. We just may have to swallow our pride in the process. And we will most definitely have to take the high road along the way.
• MUSICAL SELECTION- Everything’s Gonna Be Alright by Bob Marley (Is there a way to pipe this out nationally all day on Wednesday? If so can someone make that happen, please) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYCpWblDKok  )

Growth and wisdom take time, and patience. Let’s make space for both. 

Advice From A Friend: Change the way you are looking, and what you are looking at, will change