Hello my friends, here we are with episode 33.0. It is mid-November. It is almost thanksgiving. There is much to be thankful for. There is much to be angry and frustrated about.  There is much to be worried about.  We cannot be all of those things at high levels at once. Let’s all decide to go by way of grateful these next couple of weeks.

How do we move grateful up on our list of feelings right now? How do we appease our worry, anger, and fear and embrace the soft and gushy THANK YOU? How do we be grateful when COVID-19 numbers are high, we can’t do thanksgiving the way we have before, there is still great political divide, people suffering and much distress for our friends and neighbors? I don’t know exactly how, but I think we start with just deciding to put gratefulness in our daily practice.  

I was scanning the radio stations the other day, and I heard someone poking fun at being grateful. I found it offensive. It just made me super mad. I do understand that the “Bless your heart” form of grateful can be annoying. This is the obligatory gratitude. I’m writing a thank you because my mom is forcing me to. I’m giving you a pie because I feel guilty or obligated kind of grateful. Yes, those forms of thankfulness are no good (though in the case of children, sorry, you write the thank you’s) if you live in my house. Genuine gratitude is thankful appreciation for what you have, whether it be tangible or intangible. It confirms goodness in your life and acknowledges that this goodness comes from many sources outside of yourself. For me, it includes a hefty amount of prayers of thanksgiving for my spiritual gifts and all the head starts I was given, which include a supportive family, good health, a strong ability to learn and grow, and tolerance and interest in people. I never feel closer to God than in prayer, and gratitude helps me connect with something larger than myself. So when I hear someone mock our need to be grateful, well, I want to poke your eyeballs out.  It is not women or girls that need to be thankful. It is all of us. 

Gratefulness is our everyday life work. Are we thankful when we get an unexpected gift, absolutely. If we get a negative COVID test- definitely, raise at work, holla, an unexpected visit from a friend, vacation day, indeed. But the mundane and stressful days make it nearly impossible to count blessings. It requires some work within us. The work we need to do within us is always what drives what is coming out of us. It is human nature to measure where we have been affected, categorize how we feel, and take notes on our own frustration. When our interest is focused on OURSELVES, in what we want and need, how we are being slighted, or on the ways our life is hard, we cannot be grateful. 

Many years ago, one of my kids came home every day, really frustrated with a school friend. It was a broken record conversation that always ended, no matter how hard I tried, in advising patience and kindness. No matter what, I could sit and listen and nod for a few minutes, but I couldn’t help myself. By the end, I was saying things like, “When people are hurting, when people are suffering, they do the best they can. We do not know other people’s burdens.” The more I said it, the angrier my child became. I dreaded the afterschool conversation and its foregone conclusion of my kid giving me the silent treatment. 

At my wit’s end,  I started thinking about people in my life that I have been frustrated with or angry at and reflected on my strategy for that. I hate conflict with people; it’s one of my least favorite feelings. When I am super frustrated with someone’s behavior, I change that frustration into empathy. I feel sorry for them. I change the narrative in my head, and I imagine the load of their burdens and their inability to handle where they are. I suppose all that they didn’t ask for, the qualities they haven’t developed, all they carry with them, and their limited support. Once I do this, my anger turns to empathy, and I can decide if I can help, if I need to help or if I just need to leave it there. It is easier to feel sorry for someone than it is to be angry with them. It is SO MUCH easier. We cannot control other people’s behavior, no matter what we do. 

My broken record of advice, in this case, was not helping.  The following day, I told an honest story of someone I had been so frustrated with for so long but someone I care about. When I explained how I started to focus on the load she had vs. her challenging behavior, it helped me. My child responded, “So I need to treat them like a toddler like they don’t know better.” I mean, that isn’t exactly the way I would have said it, but it’s a start.  I shrugged and said, “Yes, let’s try that. “After that, the after school conversation started to change. Suddenly there was less frustration and more empathy. The complaints became less and less each week. Suddenly there was room for appreciation of the human struggle. Judgment and condemnation take up a lot of space in us, and it leaves little room or energy for being thankful or grateful.  It is an excellent time to appreciate this so we can move on. 

The work of gratefulness can feel fluffy and weak; I assure you, it is not. That is why people recommend things like grateful journals or thankfulness days. Developing that habit has to be worked for. Once the pattern takes hold and gratefulness becomes a daily practice, we suddenly see joy, humor, and curiosity that we can easily miss when our focus is elsewhere.  

Gratitude is not only a virtue; it’s a survival skill.  This capacity can get more significant as times get more challenging. It is why it is often our least privileged, not our most, who appreciate the smallest of offerings. The research repeatedly tells us that when we practice gratefulness, we are happier and healthier. What is surprising is that newer research shows are that it isn’t the focus on positive words that are making the change; it is the absence of negative words. To say it another way, it was, in the example above, the shift from negative remarks about the friend’s behavior more than even the verbalizing of positive words that makes the change. It is where space is created.

Gratitude improves relationships, motivates people to work harder, helps us be more forgiving, and leaves space. This can be done a million other ways; it can be done in writing, prayer, or person. But think for a moment of the times in your life when you have been thanked and when you have been THANKED. I’m guessing you remember the ones in the second category. We remember them because we experience their authenticity. When we thank or are thanked most authentically, we feel it to our core, and we don’t forget it. We could use more of this right now.  

I hope you will practice authentic gratefulness this month. I hope you will share it with others, and I hope it becomes a habit you never break up with. 

Advice From A Friend: Make space for  gratefulness 

Good evening my friends, it is late, I am tired. This will be short :).

Human flourishing. What does it take for us to flourish? Does it require that we are in a healthy relationship? Do our kids have to all be doing well for us to thrive? Do we have to have the income we want, the house we want, the vacation we want? Do we have to have the President we want to flourish? 

It’s a hard question because much of it depends on where we are and our “life load.” There are some deal-breaker situations like a terminally ill family member, a relationship with abuse, or an estrangement that makes our life load a 100 out of 100 on the stress scale.  For most of this, we are on the continuum with our life load.  Are our kids difficult or risky? Are we budgeting or looking at foreclosure? Did we get 7 hours of sleep or 3?  One of the ideas I had never thought much about before COVID- 19 was this idea of viral load. Viral load is the amount of virus in a. person’s blood, specifically the number of viral particles per milliliter of blood.  When a massive viral load of anything overtakes our body, it puts us on our heels, vs. when we are exposed to a small viral load, often we can take it in and fight it without a severe consequence. I wonder if how we are responding right now is related to our “life load.” 

Life load can look pretty different for each of us. It can also look different generationally. If you are 20 something, you are unlikely to be as worried about being sick as if you are in your 70’s. If you are in your early 30’s, you may not be thinking twice about medicare vs. if you are 65, healthcare is probably near the top of your list. How much of what is happening right now is related to our “level of viral life load.” If we have lost a job, lost a loved one, or had significant levels of change since Covid-19, our “life viral load” may continue to be overwhelming right now. If the changes since March have fallen in more of an “inconvenient and annoying” category, we may wonder what all the fuss is about.  Suppose you personally have been impacted consistently and negatively by racism, by unacceptance related to your religion, by the way you speak, or by your job; this contributes heavily to your “life viral load.” 

And so it leaves us, right smack where we are, navigating the line between protecting ourselves and understanding that our life scope is one of many. 

I’m coming down to this, the unpleasantness of fear of contagion and loneliness isn’t the same for all of us. The idea of a new president or the thought of a rigged election isn’t either. Neither is racism, or sexism, fear of terrorists, religious persecution, or any number of other examples. The idea that we are all going to come to some immediate understanding here, well, it’s not just unlikely, it’s impossible. 

The very best thing I can do right now is to engage in meaningful work. Meaning work does not mean, go out and make some money, though it CAN be that. Meaningful work means purpose-driven vocational work. This does not exist by snarky comments on social media, criticizing those you don’t agree with, or spending hours scrolling (I’m guessing we have all done WAY too much of that already this week- election results… refresh…. refresh… refresh). It doesn’t involve casting stones, projecting, or perching yourself as the authority figure. There is no room for cheap seat criticisms right now.

Whether we like it or not, we are purposeful human beings. We do much better in life when we have a meaningful purpose. When this is taken from us because we are ill, we lose a job, can no longer participate, or are forced to stay home, our “life viral load” increases. We don’t have the distraction, nor do we have the endorphins that we receive through meaningful work 

Through vocational work comes creative thinking, problem-solving, adaptation, frustration, and joy. It allows us to feel connected and accomplished.  We must engage ourselves to be ourselves. But sometimes, we must also engage ourselves not to be taken over by our evil alter ego (PRIDE).  

Sometimes we do this naturally. I often stop everything and bake or cook when I feel overwhelmed by the world (I’m really jealous of the people who manage this through running; that is the much BETTER caloric win). Typically, it is the last thing I have time for, but I love to make food for others. Sometimes on Sunday, I make three meals for the week. I like to think it is because I am getting prepared for the week. But it is usually because in my head, I imagine my Kung Fu karate chop to someone’s shin, and I need someplace to put all of “that”. When I am finished and can deliver some goodies or know I can take them to work, I feel purposeful, and my mind is set free from what or who was overwhelming it. As a bonus, I have not hurt myself, which would happen if I tried to karate chop someone.

Our challenging times are not over. Our “viral life loads” are high. We need the good exhaustion and distraction of worthy vocational work. This work’s nature can be so many things, but the value of this work is immeasurable. We have SO much room in our own backyard to shape the world. Sometimes I think we feel small and we forget that we have any. When we feel purposeless, we lose our own agency and our ability to manage our “viral load” in a healthy way. We start to look for ideal circumstances or start measuring how our life isn’t what we imagined. 

 Our vocation is doing more than earning paychecks, getting kids where they need to go, giving your neighbor a sweet treat, providing help at your church or school, writing thank you letters, it is also in its ability for us to feel needed and worthy. 

Run, or walk, or bake or write

Advice From A Friend: Find what work will best help you manage your viral load

Happy Halloween, everyone. I hope you had a safe candy-filled Halloween. I loved all the creative new ways people distributed candy this year- candy shoots and goodie bags. I also loved the creative costuming; we can do great things when challenged.

I happen to be a lover of Halloween.  Maybe because I love candy so much or perhaps because I love to dress up and see other people’s costumes, it is perhaps my inner magical thinker since I am typically reasonably practical. I’m not sure; it feels like the wrong time to overthink it.

There are so many things that could be said right now, 48 hours from the most divisive election of our lifetime.  I think most of us don’t believe it will even be over in 48 hours. Is that being a fatalistic or a realist? I’m not sure, but I think sometimes we just prepare for the worst. 

It’s too bad Halloween couldn’t have happened the day after the election; it may be the welcome distraction we will need. 

I’m pulling out every piece of my optimism from here until, well, whenever this is officially put to bed. I’m putting it in writing, so I hold myself to it. I’m attaching a theme song to make it even more fun. Here’s what I am starting with:

1. Hold on to HOPE. 

Hope means that no matter how the situation looks now, we believe it CAN get better. This is how people survive horrifying trials, abuse, and terrible diseases like cancer. Hope is medicinal because it reminds us that living is worth it even when circumstances are not of our choosing.  What we CANNOT do is use misguided hope. Misguided hope is saying things like, all the problems will go away when my candidate gets elected. Misguided hope says all I have to do is pray, and my cancer will go away without treatment. Misguided hope and hope based on false information leads to missed opportunities and poor choices. Let’s use good old-fashioned hope, that we can make lemonade out of lemons. We CAN do better, be better, and live better no matter what happens this week. As Emily Dickenson said, “I dwell in possibility.”

• MUSICAL SELECTION: I’m going with “The Land of Hope and Dreams” by Bruce Springsteen and The E Z Street band. Now before you get all judgy, let me explain. I was never a big Bruce fan UNTIL I went to his concert in 2016; he was in his late 60’s by the way. That dude played for 3.5 hours STRAIGHT, and he was terrific. He loves music, he loves his band,  and I decided he was worthy of my love too. This is a fantastic song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWvdFIU6hZg
• 2. Our ability to take a moment and PAUSE will save relationships right now. 

Sometimes, the best way to make a bad situation WORSE is to jump in with two feet. This is not a moment where the best action is to jump into the cold swimming pool without testing the water first. It is our PAUSE, our WAIT that can make a bad situation better and the lack thereof, so much worse. It may feel less satisfying at the moment, but there is no question, our NOT ACTING following the election is a healthy way OF ACTING. There are times when we need swift action; this does not feel like one of those times. This feels like the time to breathe deep, gather our thoughts, remember others’ perspectives, hit the pause button between action and reaction, and wait. 

• MUSICAL SELECTION:  I decided to go with “Patience” by Guns and Roses. Not only because we desperately need representation from rock bands of the late 1980s and early ’90s but also because the song starts with whistling. And by the way, when asked, I say YES to the question of, “Is Guns and Roses a hairband?” (not debatable for me, don’t @ me) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkoeqtKUUe4

• 3. We can take up all the space or leave space for another, but we can’t do both.

This is a piece of advice I find myself frequently giving, especially to high achievers. I need to spend more time heeding my own advice. The other day, I was with a small group of people, and a young mother asked for some advice. I was dialed up and ready; I mean, I LOVE to advise young mothers. I have made most of the mistakes, so I’d like to help you not make them. Advice giving also makes me feel connected and engaged, and I think I’m pretty decent at it. I was ready to dial right in when another young mother, whom I do not know well, very quietly said a couple of succinct and wise words to her friend. She said in 20 words what I usually say in about 220. I was stunned, impressed, and slightly embarrassed. I wonder how many times in my life, I have talked before another who had the wisdom to share. But the deal is, I have to make room for that. If I’m the one who takes that role every time, others will let me take it. If I sign up to host the party, be the room mom, lead the organization or meeting each time, am I leaving space for someone else who may not be comfortable doing it but would do it in a different and valuable way? This feels like the right time for us to share our space. 

• MUSICAL SELECTION- “Have a Heart” by Bonnie Raitt. Is it a s-t-r-e-a-t-c-h? Well, maybe, but here are a couple of things to consider a) I love Bonnie Raitt and so should you b) At the beginning of the song, she says “Hey Shut Up,” which I think we all want to say right now, but we shouldn’t say it, we should do it and c) Most importantly, the song is about how having a heart means you let go of people you love even when that means you will be LOVED LESS. It is making space for both parties, BOOM (see I did it). Bonnie Raitt is the BEST. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUT94urklFI  

• 4. My moral convictions are an OPINION, NOT A FACT.

When I sift back through all that we have endured regarding this “political season,” what it boils down to is that my opinion reflects my moral convictions, and yours are related to yours. NONE of these are facts (there is no 2+2 = 4 in moral convictions).  Neither of our opinions is MORE or LESS valuable though they likely line up easily in the groups we participate in. Imposing my ideas and views as FACTS should only be done with my spouse and children (ha!) and maybe at book club. None of us DESERVE victory, even if we have worked hard and done all the things. 

• MUSICAL SELECTION: Okay, I have a weird love of this song, which started when Emma Stone performed it in her Lip Sync Battle with Jimmy Fallon, “All I do is win” by DJ Khalid. It’s one of those songs that makes you feel like running if you’re walking or running faster if your running slow (I mean for about 30 seconds until you get tired). Plus, I figure we could all use a little happy, and watching Emma Stone lip sync this song is happy. Please note- I would call it PG-13 language, so if that doesn’t jive, skip on by.  Here is the clip to the battle: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/tvshowbiz/video-1092812/Emma-Stone-All-I-Do-Win.html

Here is the clip to the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtPluXq_hko

• 5. And finally, no matter how this shakes down,  every little thing is going to be all right (preview of our song, get ready for some reggae). We can win with grace; we can lose with grace. The world does not belong to our leaders, political parties, or people talking the loudest; the world belongs to all of humanity. We have lots of room in our own backyard to exhibit the behavior we want to see, show the love we want to be shown, and do the good works we believe are worth doing. We just may have to swallow our pride in the process. And we will most definitely have to take the high road along the way.
• MUSICAL SELECTION- Everything’s Gonna Be Alright by Bob Marley (Is there a way to pipe this out nationally all day on Wednesday? If so can someone make that happen, please) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYCpWblDKok  )

Growth and wisdom take time, and patience. Let’s make space for both. 

Advice From A Friend: Change the way you are looking, and what you are looking at, will change

The final say…….

Who doesn’t like the last word? I really do.  I mean I REALLY do (just ask my family)! I love to imagine the conversation in my head of what I would/should/wish I would have said as the concluding music plays, I have the final word, and I ride gallantly into the sunset in victory. It feels like that is a lot of what we are looking for right now, the last word. 

There are secret ways now that we try to achieve our goal of the final word. We post social media memes or statements; we can put it on a bumper sticker, on a t-shirt or a sign in our yard.  Statements like—”My body my choice,” “Policy over person,” “You can’t be a Christian and vote for Biden,” “You can’t be a minority and vote for Trump,” “Keep Christ in Christmas,” “Science is real,” “Back the blue,” “Black lives matter.” These statements make us feel powerful. There is nothing wrong with being emphatic about what we think and how we feel.   But, sometimes,  these statements give us the very fleeting and false impression that we are right for everyone and have the final word. They are the final scene in The Breakfast Club movie, where we walk away with our fisted hand raised high as the musical score ends. 

Where does delighting in this take us? I don’t know about you, but it takes me to a pretty terrible place. After all, it isn’t like we expect everyone to AGREE with us. It is 2020, after all, and I think we have all given up on collective agreement. The only thing we can genuinely agree on right now is that puppies and babies are adorable, especially if they do not belong to you (someone will most certainly respond with a question as to why I didn’t say kittens; there is no winning here). 

The difficulty with statements such as those I listed above is that they are meant to close the door on the topic. After all, we do not do nuance well. I am right, you are wrong, and that is the end, close it up and shut it down. My favorite current trend is to post something super political or controversial on social media and follow it up with a statement like “No political comments please” or “I reserve the right to delete your comments.” We are saying to our people that feel free to give me an “AGREE, 100%, thumbs up,” and otherwise, just sit on it and keep quiet; your opinion is not welcome here. It sounds kind of silly when we think of it that way. Why wouldn’t we just direct message people or text or call the people that already agree with us when we need affirmation? After all, it is no mystery where we all are right now. So many of us have even already voted, gotten our credit by posting, and now sit and wait for the post-election circus to begin. If your point isn’t to engage and converse, then why in the world would you post it to your 200-800 closest friends on Facebook or Instagram without inviting a dialogue (unless it is a puppy or a baby)? 

We use these kinds of statements to be a conversation ender.  What we need is for them to be the conversation starter. Since the very beginning of time, we have disagreed. One of the best examples is the Bible. For most Christians, they believe strongly that the Bible is the final and ultimate authority. However, thousands of biblical scholars, ministers, priests, and religious instructors can take any single phrase from the Bible and debate it to death. Other than the fact that Jesus is loving and forgiving, and we should try to be like Him, I can’t think of many other areas that don’t get heavily debated from the Bible. When we disagree, we love to say things like, you are a cafeteria Christian; you pick and choose what you follow depending on what makes sense to you. Well….. Yes, I think that is true for pretty much all of us. I don’t think any of us are above the cafeteria line pick and choose culture, we just don’t like to admit it. 

None of us exist in a vacuum, and we each compartmentalize, justify and make excuses for how and what we think. We like it when things are neat and straightforward, black and white, in or out. When we wrestle with it, it can make us even more confident that our way of thinking is correct. When we change sides, it also leads us to an idea that we have been enlightened, and now everyone else should also be. There is no shortage of ability to find support for what we think. Some people believe that peanut allergies aren’t real, and Sandy Hook never happened. And they too can find data to support what they believe by all of our favorite friend Google. This is very messy, and it is very much a part of humanhood. 

When we get to the nuts and bolts of it, I am the final authority on pretty much nothing but myself (don’t tell my kids). What I think and how I feel is a big cocktail of my origin family, my experiences, education, disposition, current list of worries, and what phase of life I am in. Case in point, there is no one on the team, “Covid-19 isn’t real”, that has lost a person they love or watched a person they love horribly suffer from it. When life gets personal and real, it changes us. It should change us; this is how we widen and grow. By the same token, when you are watching your life as you know it slip away due to lose of job, lack of benefits, or lose of your business, there is no way you can’t feel like we have to do a better job of protecting our economy despite Covid-19. We talk about it all the time; it is our lens, scope, and perspective. Discounting it, in anyone, is unfair and wrong. It is like saying, I know all of that happened to you, but what happened to me is more important, so I win.  Our perspective is what we bring to the table because it is the garment we have stitched.  We will never stop talking about it because it will never not be the MOST relevant component to what we think, how we behave, and how, ultimately, we will find unity in disagreement again.   

Life is complicated and nuanced. It is filled with beautiful and amazing people and people that are awful. I think there are more of the former vs. the latter. Most of us find ourselves somewhere in the conflicted middle most of the time. That is usually where the truth lies, so I think it is an excellent place to be. The middle means you understand the importance of health care for everyone and the fact that raising taxes for healthcare will be very difficult or even devastating for middle and lower-middle-income families. The middle means you hate the destruction of protestors and still understand that we must address systemic racism in a direct and aggressive way. The middle means we must wrestle with what it means to have a baby you aren’t prepared for or have no support for and making a very difficult decision to have an abortion. The middle is MESSY. The extremes are easier. 

BUT, there is so much loveliness in the middle. I love the middle because you can still be genuinely concerned for your neighbor even though you are voting in opposite ways. It is the place where compassion and love most easily live. You can live with the election results, and you can usually find a silver lining in most people. I hate the middle because it feels like a position where you have to do the most work. It is challenging work to get to know people, understand others’ perspectives, and not judge people you definitively disagree with. 

The middle is warm with plenty of space. So come on in. I think the work is really worth doing. 

Let’s get to work!

Advice From A Friend: Break up with the last word

I am enjoying my new recipe for pumpkin muffins this week and loving my outside time. I’d like this weather to last through February, but it feels like a big ask. So instead, I am just going to be grateful for today.  I also voted this week, as did many people according to daily reports. I find these statistics amazing, fantastic, and trustworthy. That is a good feeling that we can trust the numbers; I’ve missed this. I have never known people to be so excited and proud to vote; at least we can all agree on that. What is it about voting that makes us feel so good? For me, it is the ability to do SOMETHING and something which feels productive. I enjoy thanking the poll workers for their volunteerism. I appreciate the ease with which we can vote in our area because it is not the case everywhere, and I enjoy that my vote matters the same as yours does.  If generosity is the enemy of narcissism, maybe voting is the enemy of complacency. Either way, it was my highlight of the week, and my new pumpkin bread recipe, OUTSTANDING!

I’m not sure if it is getting older or the general state of things right now, but small acts feel particularly impactful right now. I listened to a podcast about breaking the stress cycle last week, and I decided to re-institute long hugs again. I do long hugs on things like birthdays and the first day of school, but long hugs are needed right now on a daily basis at my house. My family gets the benefit of this, and it hasn’t taken them long to realize they can’t fight it; I’m not letting go until I’m ready, so their only option is to hug back. The 20-second hug is glorious; I recommend you try it. I like to use that time to feel the girth of them, smell the day on them, and breathe deep. I also like to say what I can my three intention prayer. That is usually for their health and safety, for them to find their vocational calling, which brings them joy and self -worth, and for them to find a partner that they love and will love them equally well. Sometimes the hug lasts more than 20 seconds because I have a few add-ins (like please catch up on your homework and lose the sass), but, ultimately it lasts as long as I need it to. It is a small thing, but it feels like a huge thing. 

It reminds me of that viral video of US Navy Admiral William McRaven, who instructed us to start by making your bed to change the world. Though I am not a bedmaker, I have to disagree with him on his particular first choice in task; I wholeheartedly agree that changing the world requires lots of consistent small things. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sK3wJAxGfs

There is also a theory called the “Broken Window.” It was developed by scientists James Q. Wilson and George L Kelling. It suggests that a small and minor thing like a small broken window in one house can cause a domino effect that can impact your entire community. When we fix the broken window, we can improve the community. 

There is so much power in small things. We have so much ability to help where we can and do what we are able. This ability changes as we change. There are seasons of life where our small things look one way and other phases where they look another. This isn’t about self-centeredness; it is about acknowledgment.  If the 20-second hug and voting are all you’ve got right now, so be it. If your small things are keeping your house tidy and making a spreadsheet well, I wish you lived with me. If your energy is in phone banking, cooking, crafting, working, whatever it is, go forth and do. We cannot be or do all things, at all times, for all people. Ironically,  I find myself in these spaces, not thinking LESS of myself but thinking of MYSELF less. It is the combined power of doing, the power of distraction, and the power of gratefulness.  

Life is not linear other than there is a beginning and an end. Grief is not linear, relationships are not linear, and we are not linear. We are messy and curvy and sometimes all tied up in knots. Our job is not to let the knots be a permanent part of us. What serves us well when life gets complicated is small things. It is embracing that there are seasons, episodes, and times of great difficulty and times of great happiness. We seem to remember and focus on difficulty more because they strike such a more resonant chord with us emotionally. Our goal is to learn to react differently or less, adjust ourselves in our thoughts and postures, and learn how to live with or around things, and small things help us do this. This allows us to maintain relationships with those we disagree with; it will enable us to heal during times of significant loss and allows us to grow and change. This can include boundaries and significant life changes when they must. 

Our lives are not black and white that we often desire or that people tell us they should be.  We operate more like a slow dimmer and less like an on and off switch. We tend to grow and change slowly with incremental movements like a light that slowly dims without you even knowing until you look around and realize it is dark.  The final charge may happen with definitive and robust finality, but the process to get there was a curvy road of blood, sweat, and tears. Small things give us something to anchor to; they allow us a centering without a tremendous amount of energy.

We have examples of people doing small things all around us. They are not the ones barking loudest right now. They are the ones going quietly about their work. They are the ones willing to fix the window instead of complaining about how it reflects on the aesthetics of their own home. They are the ones making sure they are not depleted so that they have the energy to do small things. One of my favorites is the late St. Mother Teresa of Calcutta. While she is well known for saying, “We can do no great things, only small things with great love,” what she said that is even more powerful to me is this, “How can you love a God whom you do not see, if you do not love your neighbor whom you see, whom you touch, and with whom you live.”  

Try some LONG hugs and some pumpkin bread

Advice From A Friend: Start with small things 

Hello friends,

I see pumpkins and goblins and haybales, oh my. It is fall; we are ready to see Halloween decorations in front yards, and for the distracting debates about whether a pumpkin spice latte is worth the calories and if candy corn should be celebrated or banned. It is a welcome distraction from the madness surrounding us. We have been shoved right off our rockers right now my friends; I’m looking to re-find my footing.

I was talking with someone this week about trust. She articulated what many of us are feeling; I don’t even know who to trust. The political climate continues to rise, the signs keep going up, people keep doubling down, and the number of political ads on TV (still watching Dancing with the Stars) doubles every day.  Trust is an easy word but a challenging practice. In the absence of it, we live in this skeptical place of wariness where we are confident that everyone is trying to pull the wool over our eyes. Skeptical and I don’t get along, so I’m looking for my way through.

One of the most challenging things about trust is that it requires some level of intimacy. We don’t just throw trust around like candy at a parade. Trust is built over time and requires that we have respect for one another’s story. 

We get plenty of examples of broken trust from TV, movies, and the news. I don’t know if you have watched the Netflix show Social Dilemma, but oh boy, it is pretty mind-blowing. What makes it tough to watch is that you feel violated and manipulated. I felt the same way after watching that Edward Snowden Citizenfour documentary. It’s a terrible feeling. It’s like being the last to hear about something that happens in your own family; it hurts. 

While watching “The Social Dilemma,”  I’ve never felt more like a pawn. It was like being in The Truman show but then realizing you aren’t one of the “in the know” actors.  You are Jim Carrey trying to figure out why people act so weird all the time. Watching that makes you realize, though you might not have agreed to trust social media platforms, you certainly have an excellent reason to DISTRUST them. This is a tricky tightrope to walk. How do we navigate news outlets, social media, influencers, medical study reports, political leaders, local leaders, and religious leaders right now? It appears that is the million-dollar question of the week my friends, and I’m afraid the answer goes back to something we’ve talked about before, our values and our actions. 

The Oxford Dictionary defines trust as “a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. I love the Brene Brown “marbles in your jar” example. She used this example with her daughter to talk about friendship and decide who in life we can trust.  When people act benevolently toward us, we trust them, that is them putting marbles in our jar. When people are consistent and show up, we trust them. We trust what is predictable and reliable. We can trust people that look out for us and want the very best for us. In friendship, this looks like people that check in with us and people that stop what they are doing to help us when we need it. It looks like people willing to have tough but honest conversations. It doesn’t look like people who show up when it is convenient for them or when we have something they need. This doesn’t mean sometimes we aren’t going to get it wrong; no one is perfect in relationships. But when that happens, an authentic apology is offered, and behavior is improved. What topples the marble jar of trust is when someone defies us when they talk behind our back, when they keep secrets, cheat, or when they don’t stand up for us. Overturning our marble jar, whether we are a child or adult means, you have to earn my trust back by consistently and reliably filling my jar back up. It doesn’t mean pretending like it was never overturned. It doesn’t mean we leave the relationship, but it does mean the relationship changes. Regaining trust takes a lot of work.

Trust is a challenging and bumpy road right now. It feels like all around us; we have misinformation, manipulation, and people who do not have our best interests in mind. After all, politicians, news media, and influencers are not our friends. In most cases, even if we have MET them, we do not KNOW them. We know OF THEM. We see their behavior on tv, on social platforms, or we read about it in the news, but there are layers between knowing of them and knowing them.  For people we don’t know to earn our trust, that is even more complicated.

It feels like the right time to dig deeper into trust right now. After all, we have no shortage of examples of distrust circling us like sharks. It is important to remember that trust isn’t built on agreement. Trust doesn’t mean we even have the same core values. We can’t equate trust to like-mindedness. We can disagree and still deliver on our promises, show up, and behave with integrity. However, when we act with secrecy, we fail to deliver on promises or behave inconsistently (special favors for only certain people), we are not trustworthy, and we deserve that label. 

Here is where I am working on trust. Above all things, my actions need to line up with my words, which reflect my trustworthiness. For example, let’s say I’ve always told my children that we don’t name call because it is shaming and degrading.  Then I shouldn’t be name-calling, ANYONE. I don’t get to call certain people awful names because I feel furious or don’t line up with them politically. When I decide to selectively name call a particular group of people because I just can’t stand them, well, that gets pretty confusing, doesn’t it?  If this is my measuring stick, I am okay with shaming and degrading SOME people. This is confusing for sure, but like partial truths, it is dangerous and gets ugly quickly.  When trust is low, misinformation, and belief in conspiracy theories or ideas that certain people or groups are inherently good or bad, is high. We are in a LOW TRUST place in America right now. 

Trust is fundamental in our lives. Strong friendships, intimacy, the ability to raise children, and a healthy work-life require trust. It is a glue that holds us together. We are designed TO trust, and to do that, we must see people’s vulnerabilities. As H.L Menken said, “It is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together.  So, I’m lowering my fence and building my longer table. I’m working on showing up as trustworthy myself right now and asking my family to do the same. I want to be called out when I exhibit behaviors that don’t line up with my values.  After all, I have no shortage of marbles I can fill others jars with right now, and that feels like the right place to start.  

Get outside and enjoy the fall

Advice From A Friend: Go fill some marble jars by being trustworthy

Hello, my friends. This week does feel like fall, and I love it. I’m trying to get outside every day because I feel like this will not last long, and then I will be watching the rain from my window as my dogs beg to get outside. 

Life is back in full force ramp-up mode, do you feel it? As we have more places to be and more things that pop up to be addressed and handled, I think we are further from that quiet mental space and clarity that we all enjoyed not so long ago.  Life is always a trade-off, isn’t it?

This week I have been quite “yelley.” That is both a technical and accurate term. It was a busier than usual week, and all my people didn’t do what I wanted in the way that I wanted. I didn’t have the patience to address this in my other ways, so I used me, in the words of a friend, “stern voice.” It was tough to be one of my people this week. It was also tough to be me. 

You see, we all have a bandwidth, a space that we can handle, a cup that is so large. Once the bandwidth is taken up, the cup has reached its limit, or the noise-o-meter has hit danger, people should leave me alone unless they meet one of the following criteria a) you have a heartfelt gift, like delicious coffee, a pastry, or some gummy bears b) you have completed a chore that I usually do, and you can’t wait to share the news that I have one less thing to do (for example, you did my laundry for me, by all means, come on up and snuggle in) or c) you have something to show me that is both smart, appropriate and funny and will make me laugh out loud. If you DO not meet these criteria, you should cast your eyes down and tread silently like in handmaid’s tale, and for goodness sake, don’t show me a Tiktok that is going to make me worry about your generation for the next 5 hours because I can’t take it. (BTW my daughter just explained to me what catfishing is and used an example that if I was on tinder, I might need to watch out for that, and I am nodding my head on the outside and ready to DIE on the inside. Why does my child know what TINDER is?)

Here is the deal, we all have a big ‘ol to-do list right now. On top of the to-do list is the overall low (or high level) anxiety that our country is going to hell in a handbasket. I think almost all people, whether you’re are left, right, white, black, gay, straight, Christian, non-Christian, 25 or 85,   you are worried, with nowhere to put the worry. Since everyone and their dog’s dog is claiming authority over absolutely everything we should think, feel, and do, it seems to have made a challenging situation worse. We are watching a fire that keeps flaring up and waiting for the explosion. Who misses the days of planting gardens and bike rides? 

Part of the beat down isn’t the to-do list; the beat down is the silent list. We don’t even know the silent list is happening, its unconscious and creeps in at random times like 6 am when we wake up and think, oh I never responded to that email, I forgot to call my father, are we out of dog food?. They don’t even make the to-do list because they are things that only take about 2-10 minutes each. Except that there are about 50 of these to do a day. So that 2-10 minutes x the 50 things becomes hours of your day. Beyond that, it occupies space in your being. These things ping pong around in your head because they know they must be done.

These items are like little silent minions that start piling up on our shoulders. They are SO irrelevant most of the time. We can easily bat at them and wrap them up while at the same time cooking dinner, helping someone with homework, and thinking about what day it is.  Maybe we even like them because they make us feel worthy and busy and like we can’t be done without.  Did you know that you can carry about ¼ of your body weight on your shoulders? My friend google told me that the average person can hold 40 lbs. I mean, 40 lbs is a lot of little minions and a LOT of silent to do’s. 

SO that is what we do, we answer the emails, move the laundry from washer to dryer, pick up the dry cleaning, grab the posterboard needed for school. We stop and grab a coffee to replace what ran out at the office, we clean up the syrup spill in the pantry ( syrup containers are unreliable!!), we check the grades, we run by and drop off that birthday gift or container that we’ve had for three months. We read the post our friend sent, so we know what the heck is going on; then we check out twitter, so we know what the heck everyone is so mad about.  We manage the even more silent to do’s that pop up in a moment’s notice, the ceiling leak that came out of nowhere, the email from the teacher/boss/friend that requires immediate and dedicated attention, the child/parent that is sick.

And these are the things that DON’T make the to-do list. There is no, go to the grocery store, attend the meeting, go work out, doctor appt, because those things MAKE it in the planner/calendar. These all fall in the OTHER category. 

Where this puts us is a maxed-out bandwidth place. We have room for no more. But the to do’s keep on coming. They don’t know or care that we have reached our maximum capacity. They are like a toddler, needy, and unaware. 

So what do we do? What we do with this feeling is to figure out what is stealing from us that we can change. This will be different for each of us. It may be admitting that our “silent list” needs to be shared with our people. It may mean making a list and re-distributing the items on it. This could mean some laundry or dishes are not done as well because they are not done by us. This means telling people what we need and holding them to it. Not an easy task my friends. 

It may mean some changes in where our downtime goes. Perhaps we should go back to keeping a book in our car, so we don’t have to look at our phone when we carpool wait. Maybe if we call a friend, we need to contact the friend that makes us feel better about life and not the one that reminds of the abysmal space we may be in or wants to talk polotics. It may mean we need to exercise more or less, get outside or go to bed. We need to clear some space so we know where our downtime should best be spent for us to recharge, not for us to get more done. For most of us, this should involve some form of “play” to bring us back to that feeling that we are not just here to check off our to-do lists. We are in fact, meant to enjoy some of this ride.  

No matter what, most of us probably need a change in our social media “status.” The magnetism of this is in full force, my friends.  Our desire to read, follow, post, re-post, and comment is full-on. And let’s be honest, if we are posting political or charged stuff, expect a strong response either by blocking, comments, or judgment. You get to 100% do what you need to do, but the arrogant declaration that the whole world should nod and go along is quite silly. We are supposed to wrestle over things, with ourselves and others; it is what we are meant to do. Social media provides a perfect environment for the knock-out, so just know that going in. 

If you are, like me, in a space where you get inflamed when you are reading some of this lately, this may require a change. We convinced ourselves that the good outweighs the bad when it comes to the facebook or insta; I’m not sure right now it does for many of us. Instead, it forces our hand to feel things like resentment, FOMO, judgment, anger, and sadness. I’m wondering if I would be better off with a Facebook full of STRANGERS instead of different layers of friends.

And finally, we must let some stuff go right now. We need the Thursday night kraft mac and cheese cups night on the paper plates, yogurt tubes and bottled water and plastic forks, so we have no dishes.  Yes, we will miss some things on email, like ordering the t-shirt or the zoom call, but in the grand scheme, no one needs another t-shirt and they will record the zoom call. 

When I am short and anxious, so go my people. It’s time to clear it out and think about how we can run our best selves right now. I’m starting with Sunday night pizza delivery (despite the fact that I had a menu all picked out), watching a little dancing with the stars because I hear it’s worth watching and I’ve got to see this catfishing dude, and reading my book (Mexican Gothic, a thriller!!)  

Be well my friends!

Advice From A Friend: Where can you find more space

Fall is in the air; it’s almost sweatshirt weather unless you are one of my kids, in which you think every day of every season is sweatshirt weather. That is why we own 1,000 sweatshirts, and they wear the same five. This is a ridiculous struggle.  I love when temperatures lower, and leaves start to change, and the air feels kind of crispy. Fall weather is my favorite; I think we all deserve an extra-long and rainless fall with free pumpkin spice lattes. I’m not sure who I am negotiating with, but I’d like to put it out there. 

I remembered a funny story about one of my kids. He was in intermediate school at the time. He had a math teacher, whom he didn’t like, and frankly, she didn’t like him either. I don’t mean that in a, she was a lousy teacher kind of way, she wasn’t. I don’t expect that every teacher we have will be perfect and ideal; that is naïve and an unrealistic expectation. I mean it in a real way,  there are some people easier for us to mesh with, some personalities we enjoy more, some kids easier to parent, some neighbors more comfortable to stand and chat with, some co-workers we prefer, some members of our family we’d rather talk to. Let’s not pretend that the same doesn’t happen in a classroom, we are all human, and it does.  

Here they are, a child and a teacher who don’t get each other but have a year ahead of them. He survives the year, never loving her more or less, complaining just enough to irritate me. My guess is she felt the same. At the end of the year, because this was when I was younger and frankly did more things like this, I made him write thank you notes to all his teachers. I love teachers, and I think they have a super hard job and rarely receive the credit they deserve. So, he writes his 3-sentence minimum thank you note (with precisely three sentences), and we move on. In typical motherly fashion, I read the notes to ensure that he hasn’t taken this opportunity to be ridiculous or condescending. Here is the basic letter:

Dear Ms. ____________,

 I know we didn’t like each other very much, but I learned more math this year than I ever have. So I guess we have that. 

Thank you.  

Sometimes in life, we just have to wait for it, and something magical and unexpected happens, like perspective.

My favorite thing I read this weekend is about the friendship of Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Anthony Scalia. The odd couple, who had been friends since the 1980s, shared a love of Opera and deep respect for one another. Politically, they couldn’t have been more different.  Many people would say he was the court’s most conservative member, and she the most liberal. Case in point, it was Scalia who wrote the solo dissent to U.S. vs. Virginia, which ended women’s exclusion from the Virginia Military Institute. The SOLO dissent, AND they were friends. It was Ginsberg later that said that his eloquent dissenting opinions are what made her better.  Have you heard any of that lately? That your neighbors, sisters, co-workers, dissenting opinions are what make you better? Nope, that arena is CRICKETS, my friends. 

What is even more surprising is that they chose to allow their friendship to be public. They attended the Opera; they spent New Year’s Eve together with their families. They didn’t pretend they weren’t friends. It wasn’t some kind of cover-up. What a beautiful friendship that must have been for both of them. I’d like more of this; how do we get there? 

Ruth Bader Ginsberg is like a character out of a movie. For those who agree with her, she is revered, the notorious RGB.  For those who disagreed, well, the opposite of that. After her passing, the weird immediate politicization (both sides) is not surprising but so disheartening.  We can do better. I’d like us to do better. 

Friendship matters and I mean real friendship, not the social media kind. Friendship can remind us who we were, who we are, and who we are becoming. We need friends that help us with all those things. We need friends who are living very similar lives and friends who couldn’t be more different. We don’t need a lot of friends, but we D.O. need variety in our friends.

This has become challenging, the company we keep matters. We are not above the influence of our peers (or T.V. commercials because I can’t watch a coke commercial without imagining how refreshing that might be, and I don’t even like coke)! It’s fun to think that our KIDS are super influenced by peers, which is why we work so hard at ensuring they are in good friendships, but we are not. It’s simply not true; we are all influenced by the people we are surrounded by in one way or another. Our brain connects dots for us to help us find what it THINKS we need. Influence is influence, and we are all susceptible (just ask cable T.V. news, which is loving our hatred of each other so much right now). 

We like what we know. We will always want what we know. Automatic entry into the club feels good because we don’t have to apply, no chance for rejection. When we are single, we hang out with single. When we get married, we find newlyweds. When we have a child, we have to find others that have children. When we get a divorce, we make friends with fellow divorcees. It happens if we get cancer, if we become a widow, if we are a workaholic, if we hate our job. It allows us to complain without feeling guilty; it enables us common enemies and plenty to talk about.  It is unconscious but part of our routine. We need support and advice, and who better to help us in our current life plight but people doing life like we are – same family structure, the same faith, same socioeconomic group, it just makes things easier. 

 But does it make us better? Will we experience the same ease in a mixed crowd? Will all the fun go away if I want to complain about my children and you don’t have any. What if I hate my job and you love yours, then I just end up feeling guilty. OR maybe, it makes me realize what changes I need in my career.  What will happen if we discuss current events and are on opposite ends of that? Will it ruin our night off or make me reflectively re-consider? 

The human beings that we are, we like inclusion, we appreciate when life is easy. I once went to a party; it was full of beautiful people. ALL the people were beautiful. I kept looking around for the average looking person who wasn’t fit with fantastic hair.   I thought, how does this happen? I think I will not stay at this party.  Homogony makes me nervous like I am missing something or doing something wrong. I don’t mean it in that; I like drama kind of way. I don’t; I don’t like drama unless it’s a play, or in a movie, where it is supposed to be. I mean it in a, what am I missing if all the people around me are slightly different versions of me. I think too much of the same in friendship, wine, and chocolate is a bad idea. 

Here is what I know. When I call my friends for support/advice, sometimes, I don’t want advice. I just want to hear that I am right. My kids have zeros in their classes for work not turned in. I yelled at them and took their phones away. Did I do the right thing?  I only want to hear in that case; you did the right thing. I need solidarity in that I am not a terrible and mean mother. It’s not the time for your love and logic suggestion. You can give me that in a few days. 

Other times I want advice. I am struggling and not sure why; what should I do? I need ideas of what to do. If all my advice comes from small nuanced versions of the same person, I may not get the best advice. I may get the advice I’ve been giving myself, which is not working, or I would have therapied myself.  My kids are STILL getting zeros even with my yelling and taking away. I need NEW ideas. I need advice from someone who DOESN’T think like me. Our linear existence is meant to be interrupted and challenged by differences. It keeps us stretchy and thoughtful and aware that we are not always right, and any one group of people doesn’t always get it right. 

Friendship and social interaction are essential; if we don’t know that after all the changes since COVID-19, well, then we are doomed. The studies show that people with more authentic friendships live longer, are healthier, and are happier. Friends are protective. 

Casting a wider net in friendship is challenging but beautiful. I think we lost this somewhere. I think we had it. I know my parents had it. Even congress had it. There was a civility in American politics when Ronald Reagan could invite the Democratic House speaker to the White House for a drink and a conversation. We have even witnessed it right before our eyes, BFF’s Martha Stewart and Snoop Dog (I mean, their Titanic promo is so weird and uncomfortable that you just can’t stop watching it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGCL_5DMVKc and our most recent example RGB and Scalia.  

I’m not sure what happened. Did we get tired? Did we get scared? Were we so happy or sad with the 2016 election that it shifted our relationships? Did we start to believe that the main criteria of friendship were “like.” Lookalike, act alike, worship alike, think alike, or we will be doomed? Doomed to what, doomed to be challenged, and maybe change our mind? Doomed to say we didn’t have it, right? Doomed to say that perhaps our perspective isn’t suitable for everyone? When did this become such a bad thing?  

I think I am mourning this in the wake of the passing of Ruth Bader Ginsberg. I think it suddenly became more evident that perhaps we are missing out. A lot said and written about friendship, why it works, why it doesn’t, what we should expect from it. I like to tell my kids that one of our main jobs in life is to figure out who is good for us and who we are good for. The process is usually complicated in live-action and simple in retrospect.  This means we need to have different kinds of friends, friends of different colors and backgrounds, and spiritual beliefs and ages and geographies. We need to make sure when we have a party, it isn’t full of the same person in different forms. We need to have friends who would respond just like us and friends who would respond quite the opposite. We need friends who we disagree with because it reminds us that we can love and respect people that don’t think the same. Sometimes what we need to hear is NOT what we think we need to hear. It teaches us tolerance, which isn’t a negative.  It teaches us that everyone has their own lens, also not harmful.  It teaches us how to deal with a political system that is continuously telling us there is one right way, one right candidate, and one right side.

I am tired of this dialogue, it’s gone on a long time, and I think it is exhausting us. If the first thing I know about you is if you are red or blue, choice or life,  vax or anti, and I decide that is enough for me not to give you the time of day, then shame on me. If you want to see better from your government, then start with yourself. 

If Ruth Bader Ginsberg can admit that Scalia’s infuriating dissent made her love him more because it challenged her to think harder and be better; indeed, we have no excuse. “As annoyed as you might be about his zinging dissent, he’s so utterly charming, so amusing, so sometimes outrageous, you can’t help but say, ‘I’m glad that he’s my friend.” RBG. 

Rest in Peace, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, may we all find our way to exceptional contribution and beautiful friendship. 

Advice from A Friend: Making friends with someone that is not like you will add challenge and dimension to your life

Hi friends…..Raise your hand if you’re tired (everyone should be raising their hand right now!!). Wow, remember all those things that we missed when we were quarantining? Well, they are back, some in zoom form, but I officially feel like we are back in activity overload. I keep starting this column later and later each week. It’s Sunday and well, crunch time. 

This week was the anniversary of 09/11. This always feels like one of the most collective emotional days of the year. It is incredible how we all remember where we were, what we thought initially, how it unfolded, and how sad we all were. It was paralyzing. We were collectively sad and proud of America for her ability to offer assistance and love to those who needed it. I feel like it was the last time we were all together holding hands. Our former President George W Bush said it well, “Today, our nation saw evil — the very worst of human nature — and we responded with the best of America. With the daring of our rescue workers, with the caring for strangers and neighbors who came to give blood and help in any way they could.” Life requires great suffering for profound perspective and acts of unimaginable acts of love.

I have many memories of that day and the subsequent days. I was stuck in Denver at the time and trying to figure out how to get home and back to work. A lot of what I remember is how people just showed up. I mean across the whole country from the moments after the towers fell, people showed up. Rescue workers charged bravely, knowing they may not survive. Healthcare workers dug in; others offered their supplies and assistance to help. Americans gathered; life seemed to stop while we held our breath waiting.  People didn’t worry about how they showed up; if it was by physical presence, money, letters, care packages, or prayers, they just simply showed up. 

It reminds me of a story that happened to me many years ago. I knew someone that was diagnosed with breast cancer. I didn’t know her very well. If we were talking tiers of people, I would say I knew her about a 4. However, our lives were intercepted at this critical time for her, where she was ill and overwhelmed. I helped where I could, never as much as I wanted and always after all the other of life’s responsibilities. She improved, and our lives moved apart again. She got sick again, and our lives moved back together. I always visualize this like one of those DNA double helix where you come together and cross and then move apart again. The second time she was ill,  it felt pretty similar to the time before. She was sick, but still working and seeking treatment. 

Then she went to the hospital. When I visited her there, she started telling me about some last wishes she had. I remember thinking, why are you telling me this? Am I your person? Am I the person who you are putting in charge of this? Because I shouldn’t be your person.  I am busy and unreliable right now; I can’t be your person. Your person should be someone who comes to visit every day, talks to all your doctors, and knows your middle name- that should be your person. I am not worthy of that spot. 

I left feeling overwhelmed, unworthy, and unsure as to what I should do. I mean, she had asked me and how do you say no to that. I called a friend of mine on the way home crying and said, “What do I do? I don’t know what I should do? I don’t even know her family.” She was patient and gentle, and she said- “You just show up, Lori, whatever way that is, she picked you because she knew you would show up in the way she needed.” 

I felt better; I realized that I was making this about something it wasn’t. I mean, why was I crying? I was perfectly healthy.  I was making it about me. I was trying to do this thing perfectly when really, that wasn’t what help looked like for her. She was trusting me to know that.

A few days later, I returned to the hospital; I took my daughter because that was the way that had to happen. I was fairly convinced that she was doing better and that she would be out of the hospital soon. I asked her if she wanted to speak to a minister or priest. At the time, I wasn’t sure why I did that, but since she had never mentioned a faith life, I wanted to be sure. We had an open discussion about her life that was void of faith or a relationship with Christ. She gave up on religion when her mother died when she was young.  We had another discussion on if she was interested in hearing more about that. I felt pretty strange about having that discussion at that time. (This is where it should be clear to you that I am not an evangelical protestant, my friends that are would have absolutely nailed this moment).  First, I was convinced that her 40 something body was improving, and second, I felt like this discussion should happen with someone qualified, you know, someone that went to school to prepare themselves for moments like this. But she pressed on, and so I showed up. I told her why I love Jesus and how thankful I am that during times of a great job or great trouble, my faith life feels like a warm protective blanket. I told her about my parents, who raised me to believe that there are not levels of Christians, and we don’t earn more points by being this kind of Christian vs. that kind and that my Catholic faith was where I met so many amazing people who lived their life for others. I told her that she was loved and that I believed upon her death, she would be welcomed with open arms in heaven. That is how I showed up. 

We got the comic relief we needed from my daughter, who kept jumping around, touching her wig and trying to hop up on the bed. She died about 24 hours later. She had a heart attack, her heart was full, her spirit was ready, and her body was tired. 

I still sometimes imagine all the other things we could have done, or I could have said if we had more time to know each other.  I took her to a museum one time, and that was the first and only time she had ever done that. It was like watching a child go to Disneyland; she wasn’t sure where to look first. She was undereducated, had minimal family support, and was poorly paid. She continued to work during her cancer treatment because she needed the benefits and money.  Her mother died of breast cancer when she was a teenager, and she had never had a mammogram. Why did no one tell her to have a mammogram?  She did not ask for any of that; it is where her life course took her. These are the things in life I just HATE!

I care about people a lot. My little social justice heart breaks easily for the marginalized, the outcasted, and for those that aren’t given the same chances that my children and I have. I recognize this is heavily my upbringing, my disposition, and my feeling that I have more than I deserve. 

I do know this, I have seen the way people show up, and it is beautiful. I have seen all the fantastic ways that when we are called, whether it be by big national tragedies like natural disasters, racial injustices, support for our military, firefighters, and police, or by events in our families or communities where someone has an ask, and we answer. I think we are pretty good at showing up. 

Here is what showing up has to look like for me right now because I am in no place to muster up the energy to be loud and in charge right now. Patience with this process of return to school, return to activities, and return to a faster pace of life. It looks like me NOT responding when I see something political and inflammatory. It looks like me not judging others by their social media rants or political signs. It looks like me trying to pretend like I’m happy that sports are on 24-7 again on my family room TV. It looks like we are back to easy dinners like tacos and burgers, buying those stupid frozen PBJ’s that I used to make fun of, and not even pretending like I’m making homemade bread. It looks like me knowing that in my volunteer capacities, I’m going to lower the bar and do the best I can and NOT sign up for anything else (I’ve put it in writing, so now it will be done). It looks like checking in with my people and asking them to check in with me. It means asking everyone to pull their weight so that we have balance in our household. It means not giving myself extra jobs just to remind myself how capable I am. It means embracing the extra 5 lbs, now is not the time. 

I hope you find what showing up looks like for you this week. I hope showing up includes lots of outside time and sleep.

Be well, my friends,

Advice From A Friend: Sometimes showing up, is just enough

It’s Labor Day weekend. It is a weekend where we would traditionally relax after starting school, kick back with an ice-cold beverage or glass of wine and look forward to all the magic of the upcoming fall, football,  volleyball, pumpkin spice latte’s, sweaters if have the good fortune of cool weather and the welcome change of the seasons. That is what makes it so hard when that isn’t happening the same or for some people, not at all. Fall is my favorite season, but maybe not this year; I’m not sure yet, I don’t want to give up on it. 

In regular times, when school starts, I lose my mind and go crazy from about a week before school to about two weeks in. I hate changes in routine, but I pretend like I don’t so that I can feel the full effect of acting like I love change. I hate not knowing how it is all going to work. I hate the chaos of my kids changing classes and needing different school supplies and not finding the lunchboxes that I stored in a brilliant place I can no longer find. This year is different (or in the words of my children, “extra”) because we started at home, and now we are beginning again in person. Plus, I feel no investment in getting this all perfectly right because I have no idea how it is going to go. I think overall; this has worked better for me. This is a good silver lining. 

Change is hard. New things are hard. We could say that one hundred times and need to say it one hundred more. Not having routines or changing them is hard. Having to develop new practices so we can’t just be on autopilot is hard. I feel like it is “buckle back in for the rollercoaster ride” again (and I don’t mean the pre-teen one my daughter is on, I mean the one we are all on).

One of my first memories of how change and school looks is when they changed the report card from a traditional grading scale (A, B, C, D, F) to a standard based grading scale (below standard, meets standard, above standard). This was early in my son’s elementary career. The school said they were having a meeting to talk about the new grading scale, and I was young and full of vigor.  I thought, YES, I should go to that meeting and wear something that says, I’m nice and approachable. I didn’t have a lot of friends in the school at the time, so I didn’t realize that what you were supposed to do was already have done your homework, have a firm opinion on the new and old grading system, and be ready for some tough conversation. I thought I was just going to an informative meeting where they told me about how my kid would be graded. It was my first introduction to the role of the informed school parent.

I have to tell you; I came home wondering if I was cut out for this. The issue was, I didn’t know anything about grading, I’m not an educator, I have no background in teaching children, and I don’t want that job (which makes my top ten of corona struggles). When I went to the meeting and realized that there were parents  going to the mattresses on this issue, I was pretty overwhelmed. I decided to go home and do some research. Two hours and two glasses of wine later, I abandoned that plan and decided that I was going to wait this one out. I wanted to talk to people about it, but I didn’t have trusted friends yet, and most of my friends didn’t have school age kids so they were no help. Doing nothing felt like a motherhood mistake and I didn’t want to ruin my kids entire education (which apparently could happen because these clearly informed parents told me so).  I decided to do the next best thing, send a well thought out email.  After I labored over my page-long email, which made me sound like an amazing, engaged,  and super savvy parent,  I decided that the principle of my school may not enjoy or have time for my page long email and I realized that I had no idea if this report card business was a good change or a bad one. Then I got tired and busy, so I did what often happens, absolutely nothing.  

Over the next few weeks, there was a lot of talk about that report card change. There were more meetings. There were rumblings, and I did nothing because I didn’t know what to do. And then, it just sort of went away. The conversation ceased and it was sort of like it never happened.

 When I had my parent-teacher conference later that year, and the teacher and I went over the report card, I said something to the effect of, “Wow, this is THE REPORT CARD, it certainly has a notorious reputation. What do you think about this report card? Do you prefer it?” She spoke with some trepidation the way we all do when we don’t want to offend someone that we have to work with. She said, “This transition has been hard for parents because it is not what we grew up with. We know A’s, B’s, C’s and D’s. But I think it is a better tool to evaluate elementary kids. I wish it wasn’t so long, but I much prefer it.” In other words, change is hard, we want old school math where we carry the 1, memorization of spelling words and not this sound it out weirdness, and red rover in gym class. We want those things because we know those things, not because those things are best.  LESSON LEARNED, I should have just asked some teachers. 

I learned my first of many lessons in parenting kids that go to school that day. This was going to be a journey, a messy, up and down rollercoaster journey that was going to bring out the very worst in me sometimes. Particularly with my oldest child, I was going to have to hit the pause button pretty frequently and check myself. I realized that, my discomfort and lack of knowledge shouldn’t make me come up with a solution myself. I should not work at becoming the expert in the room. I needed to gauge well what was important and needed to be addressed and what was beyond my scope.   

The truth is this, when I’m in situations, and I get that feeling like I’m being tricked, I don’t like it. What helps me more than anything is to pause and gather some information. I do not do this on social media because I find that an unreliable avenue.  Once my question is out there, it can take on a direction of its own that I never intended.  People can read pieces of information and get a mistaken idea of what someone is trying to say- it’s like a bad version of the telephone game. Instead, I try to go to the “teacher.” I try to go to a variety of them that may have different perspectives. I try to ask people beyond just my friends or people I typically agree with so that I can get a broad view of the issue before I decide my next step or even if there is a next step.

 This process helps me determine if I am having reservations with my pediatrician, internist, child’s teacher, co-worker, mechanic, principal, or church pastor/priest. Is the issue that we disagree or is it that they are genuinely NOT TRUSTWORTHY. Are they doing their best and making tough decisions that I just disagree with, or are they acting from a place I cannot identify with? Do I have the ability to be honest with them, and do I feel like they will return the favor? Will they tell me when something is beyond their scope? Are they more worried about making me feel better than telling me actually what I need to know? 

Welcome to the thick of it, the mess of it, the midst of it. We are here, and it feels like there are very few people we can trust. When this happens, our natural inclination is to get big and loud. We write the email, post the rant, demand the meeting. We are looking for allies here whether we want to admit it or not. Strangely, it is more uncomfortable to sit on it for a little while then to spring into action.  

Springing is doing, sitting is lonely.

I had to re-make sense of a few things this week. My kids are going back to school in person this week. I want my kids back in school, and I have wanted that since about mid-April when the shiny wore off, and I realized that my kids need structure. My homeschool techniques were wrecking my relationships with my kids (I’m a nagger in those circumstances, and that DOES not go over well unless you are a consistent nagger, and your family finds it endearing). My family has the privilege, and I do mean the privilege of good general health. We didn’t earn it; we just genetically ended up without conditions like Type I diabetes, cystic fibrosis, asthma or other compromising diseases that would make a return to school impossible. No one in my family is battling a condition like emphysema or cancer that would unimaginably overload the immune system. It has never been more evident to me how grateful I am that we don’t have this additional layer, which would give me a stress level I can’t imagine and narrow my choice to one with regards to return to school. For the friends and families that do, they don’t have the luxury of choosing school or no school.  I haven’t seen them fist-shaking or on social media rants; I have just noticed them going about their business, keeping their people healthy and safe. Their support request has been in asking us to wear masks and wash our hands along with prayers. This is truly admirable and what their help looks like.

 There is no question that part of this return to school decision for me is a (selfish?) grasp at normalcy. I have and do worry about my kid’s mental health and lack of socialization and structure. I want them to experience some version of normal, and school feels like a good place that might happen. Beyond my own family, I worry a lot about the economically disadvantaged and their ability to get technology resources for school and lunches. I worry about kids who are already behind and if this is just pushing them further down a rabbit hole that is difficult to recover from. I worry about single-parent families and families where both parents work and their ability to make all this happen.  It is a BOTH/AND moment.  I want BOTH kids to go back to school safely AND for it to be the right decision. 

I am worried most about teachers and staff right now. I am concerned in that same way that I worried about healthcare workers in the early days of Covid-19 when we were navigating without any road map at all, and healthcare workers were putting themselves at direct risk every day.  Our family’s choice of sending our kids to school requires that teachers and staff go to work every day.  I worry a lot if this is too big on an “ask” on my part and whether I’m fair. This propelled me to write a long email that I never sent, then a long pause and then finally to pull out my phone and start texting.  I asked former teachers of my kids and teacher friends what they thought I should do. Give me your thoughts I wrote. What is your best advice? Where are you with all of this?   Is this a selfish decision for me? Their responses were reasonably consistent. They wanted to return to the classroom for themselves and their kids, but they were nervous. They wanted to know what it was going to look like. They wanted to know action plans if things went south. They wanted to know that they would have the support they needed from administration and parents. 

Teachers and school staff need our support right now, not our criticism. There is no place for me in the cheap seats right now (the front row of the cheap seats is currently social media) looking down and telling them that they shouldn’t be concerned or that that should just do their job or that they need to do this in the way that makes sense to me. What they need from me is to say- hey, I appreciate what you are doing for my kids, and I am here to support you, please tell me what that looks like. It doesn’t mean I have to like or agree with the way it is being done. It means my kids are going to have to take a few things on the chin and deal. It means my son’s senior year is going to look and feel different than what we imagined.  And when I get super mad about something that doesn’t make sense (and believe me, I will), I need to take that to a friend and complain over coffee, or a pastry or some wine (or a salad but probably it is not going to be a salad). I need to take that to space where I can vent about it without igniting a whole bunch of other people, and then I need to get over myself. I need to tell my kids teachers that I appreciate them and that although chemistry is going to wreck our life all year, we are going to keep showing up and doing our best and hopefully that works out safely in person. 

I’m a show-er-upper (this is a very official word so take notice). People know this about me, and they like it when I am showing up for them or what they agree with. It is not as comfortable when we are on opposite sides. But I’m okay with that messy because I live my life in a state of thoughtful conflict. The midst of this is super messy.  It is pretty easy in these moments to determine who we need to show up for. This has become a weird gray area where we start to question, wait if I show up for teachers, does that mean I can still believe masks are not necessary. You can be BOTH/AND. Yes, you can actually show up for and support teachers and staff, make your kids wear masks during school times because it is required and then go home and make whatever choices you’d like. The key is, in this moment, the school has made an ask. That ask includes masks. Meet their ask because they are doing the best they can with the information they have. 

Wait, can I not send my kid to school because I am not comfortable and still support my school but  send my kids to sports because that is more comfortable for me. Yes, the answer to that is yes. You can still be supportive of your school and teachers, choose to go online AND determine that sports or an extra curricular is important or necessary for your family.  And there is nothing wrong with this either. In doing this, you can remind yourself to cast no stones and for those that cast them on you, to just laser sword them right out of your galaxy (my daughter just finished a Star Wars play, there was a lot of laser swording). There are all kinds of BOTH/AND scenerios here and the worst thing you can do is start telling yourself stories in your head about what others are saying or thinking about you. The best thing you can do is make the decision, do the best you can, support your district, staff and teachers in the way they need (which may mean just being quiet) and know that this journey is going to take more patience than we have. In the words of Aaron Burr, “talk less, smile more” , we will work through it. 

If you cannot do this, you should make another choice. Find your new plumber, doctor, clergyperson, district because you will be happier, it will be the better choice for you. Sometimes there is no fitting a square peg in a round hole and repeated attempts are just frustrating and exhausting. You will figure out what is best for your family, just spend some time with it.

This is our BOTH/AND moment, and we can do this. This doesn’t mean we are compromising our core values or integrity; it means we are showing up the way we can for who we need. 

Deep breaths, Hit the pause button, Be BOTH/AND

Advice From A Friend: Show up in your way, for who needs you most right now.