Advice From A Friend Volume 7.0
Advice From A Friend……..
Hello friends,
We’ve reached stage 7 tired in our house (and there are only five stages, so it’s a real problem). The routine of this routine appears to be wearing us out. Our fun factor has slowly declined to the negligible range, and everyone needs a break from each other (including me). I’m not sure why, but my family is no longer listening to me. I’m speaking and yet, there is no response. Last week I was at least getting nods of acknowledgment. This week…… nothing. Did I suddenly become Ariel in this scenario? Am I sitting in a boat clasping my throat while fish jump around and sing? Did my family collectively agree to pick this week to do this? I’m polling my friends; they say this is happening to them as well. The ripples of the pandemic just keep coming.
A couple of years into my career, I was nearing the end of my first pregnancy, tired, and very uncomfortable. I had one more patient at the end of an already long day. I was secretly (or maybe out loud) praying for that person not to show up so I could get the heck out of dodge (in the medical world we call these NO SHOWS, and we usually are begging for some each day, in our current corona situation, this thought has shifted QUITE A BIT).
But alas, my new patient entered the room with a notebook, listed questions, and pen in hand. I found myself wondering what I had done to deserve this when I was confident right next door PT colleague had drawn the long stick with a happy go lucky artist that asks no questions and believes EVERY SINGLE THING you say.
My patient entered the room with a warm smile, I laboriously lowered myself onto a stool which I could hardly fit on at this phase in the game, and we began. He opened the notebook, and I looked at him and said something like:
“Hello, my name is Lori. It is lovely to meet you. I see you have a notebook. This means you are going to need a lot of information and may not think I know what I’m talking about at first. I’m going to have a baby soon, so if you just believe right now that I am good at my job and put your notebook aside, we will get through this much faster. We only have 30 minutes, so let’s get started.”.
He laughed and told me he was a minister. He was so happy for my pregnancy and proceeded to pepper me with a genuine interest in my soon to be born child. He further stated sheepishly that his wife had written out the questions (she was an engineer). She wanted to make sure she had a full understanding of what he was to do, and she couldn’t attend the visit with him. We had a good laugh. I went home feeling both tired and guilty about my less than stellar assumptions and severe judgment. In my last week of work, this same man asked to attend my work baby shower and said a prayer over me. There are some snapshots in life with people that you just never forget.
I wish I could say I learned my lesson that day. However, I am unable to learn such lessons in one day. It took many many more examples of this scenario replaying in different forms with different people before I started to change the way I thought about how I respond to how people show up.
I am having this conversation again with myself due to our current circumstances. Currently, the actors in the play are my family and me. I like to think I know them so well that I can predict how they will show up; this is not the case. What I would like to happen is for everyone in my house to do exactly what I ask, listen attentively when I talk and say precisely what they need and how they feel with a tone that I appreciate and with words that I enjoy (maybe some LaLa Land music in the background would also be nice). I believe what my husband would like is to be in charge of everyone like he is at work. My kids would like to stay up late, sleep in, eat snacks all day, and play on electronic devices. I can assure you, none of us are getting what we want right now.
Recently I found my sharp tone and passive-aggressive tendencies rearing their ugly head. Just a tip: I don’t know if passive-aggressive works with your spouse or kids, but IT DOES NOT with mine. I had made a couple of assumptions about what everyone wanted without asking, then decided that they were all being ungrateful and still further determined that clearly, I was an inadequate parent for this breakdown to happen.
Newsflash…. problems DO NOT get better by not talking through them, and assumptions are often where the problems begin. It was time for a little reset.
In all of our relationships, we have communication breakdowns. Communicating wisely and well takes practice and work. Our communication with our significant other, children, parents, and siblings usually gets the LEAST of our attention. The adage that our loved ones get the worst of us rings true for almost all of us, especially right now.
My missteps began by making assumptions about where my family was operating. Making assumptions is telling yourself that something is true without actually having the evidence to back it up. It is like when I assume that once I buy an exercise bike, I am going to want to ride it. Since I hate exercise bikes, this makes no sense at all (unless you are watching a Peloton commercial, somehow, then it makes sense). But, our brain does this automatically for us by recognizing patterns, which is normal. Assumptions have their place in how we navigate the world. They help us avoid poorly lit alleys when walking alone. They help us parent toddlers and teenagers because they are neurologically prone at certain ages to make bad choices. When we assume our 13 year old will stay up until 2 am on their phone if it is left in their room, well, that’s because 99% of them will. They aren’t ready for the self-control to say no yet, and we may be trying to “buy” behavior by telling ourselves they are.
However, there is a reason why some say assumptions are the termites of connection. Think of all the assumptions we make when we see someone we don’t know. We inventory dress, hygiene, race, tattoos, gender, age, size… the list never ends. It’s also related to where we see them (consider church vs. a neighborhood bar). We sometimes end a connection before it even begins. Remember my minister example above, all it took for me was to see a notebook, and I labeled the person before as a thorn in my side before he even said a word.
The same is true in our families. We have a way we HAVE BEEN operating and a way we are operating NOW. Our brains may be in assumption overdrive because our patterns are upended. My friend hasn’t even called/texted to check up on me; she must not care. My spouse isn’t talking to me about how this is affecting her work. I bet we are in big financial trouble. My kids aren’t even asking to spend time with friends, why don’t they have any friends.
It can go even further to take us down the easy road to shaming ourselves. My spouse comes home from work super quiet; he/she must be angry with me because dinner isn’t ready. I’m not comfortable spending money on a new bike for my kid even though all his friends got one since they are all home with nothing to do, I’m a terrible overspender, and my child is going to be left out because of me. We ran out of laundry detergent; I’m such an unorganized mess. I didn’t get the promotion I wanted, I must be awful at my job, or my boss is sexist/racist. My kids are grouchy and tired even though they are living their best Corona life; they must be ungrateful and spoiled. Assumptions often move us away from facts and get in the way of communication and connection.
Assuming where someone is coming from doesn’t hold a candle to just asking them. Saying things like, “You seem quiet after work, anything you want to talk about now or later?”. Or “I know all of your friends got new bikes, I’m just not comfortable dropping that kind of cash right now until I feel better about my job, how does not having a new bike make you feel?” Or how about to yourself, “I didn’t get that promotion, and I want to know why. I am going to organize my thoughts, schedule a meeting with my boss, and find out what skills they are looking for so I can determine the next best step for me.”.
It sounds so easy when you read or hear it. I assure you, it is NOT. It isn’t easy in our families, workplaces, and especially not in the world. I read something once that referenced how we stop ourselves from looking at people who are not physically like us, or where we are in life. Think about the number of times you avert your eyes when you see a homeless person holding a sign on the corner. It takes a lot of courage to look people in the eye. We have an uncanny ability to justify our assumptions and assign ranks. Our brain does it for us without us even knowing. It does it with our families, and it does it with strangers too.
When we remind ourselves that line of work, economic or social status, education, life outcomes, political affiliation, gun ownership status or color of skin is not what makes us worthy, we start to look differently. Work is honorable, whether you are paid millions for it or nothing at all. There is a value to contribution that extends beyond money.
Stand still, breath deep, don’t believe everything you think.
Advice from a friend: Check your assumptions at the door