Sometimes, I like to ignore the elephant in the room. I will re-phrase, I want to try to ignore the elephant in the room. This rarely works out for me, even when I try my hardest. Once the wrestle begins, I am afraid it doesn’t end until I’ve either thought my way through, said my peace, or determined it must be paused for more information or clarity. This quality is often annoying but cannot be helped. That wasn’t an apology.
I think we should talk about apologies. If you aren’t amid a silent retreat or social media/news sabbatical (and if you are, I’m so happy for you) likely, you have read and watched the national throw down between Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Ted Yoho. I’m sure it has elicited strong feelings, for me too. This isn’t about what you think about her or him. The part specifically I want to work through today is about apologizing.
Apologies are meant to be healing for both parties, but why do they often end up contrite and harmful. Why has apologizing become somehow weak and un-American? In the 1970 movie Lovestory, Ali MacGraw came out strong with the statement, “Love means never having to say you are sorry.” I think she should have said, a REQUIREMENT of love is saying you’re sorry. But as Sir Elton John sang it, “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word.”
I am sorry statements are like leafy or bitter greens, so good for us and yet so often unappealing. Their texture gets easier to stomach only by repeatedly trying. The phrase, I am sorry takes so much time for us to get familiar with, to learn how to do it, and even then, there are 100 other ways we’d rather get out of it. There is nothing harder than a TRUE apology. Ironically, a fake apology or in my children’s language, faux-pology (a fake word with a catchy ring ) is very easy. I can faux-apologize til the cows come home; it requires almost nothing of me. Even better, it gives me immediate relief that I have wrapped it up, put my bow on, and moved along. But as is often the case, wrapping it up, doesn’t mean it is done.
Our “apologetic history” comes from a few things. As usual, our origin story begins it for us. Did we watch our parents apologize to each other? How did they do? Did they apologize to us when they made a mistake or were wrong? What were the expectations of our apologies when we hurt our brother or sister, lied to our teacher, or disobeyed a rule? Were there lots of “rules” about apologizing. Children are often given strict guidelines about apologies, which their parents don’t adhere to at all. Look someone in the eye, speak up, admit what you did, gravel and say you are sorry to name a few. Even after all that, children are often not forgiven in the way they are desiring. Their indiscretion or lack of good judgment is frequently brought up repeatedly in the future as a tool for shaming. Add a little rinse and repeat, and we become adults that often over or under apologize.
You may be a chronic apologizer, which is more common in women and likely modeled after a parent or because you lived in a household where walking a thin and perfect line was required. This person apologizes for the air they breathe and the space they take up without even realizing it. The chronic apologizer cannot help but to reveal themselves quickly. It speaks not to their education, professionalism, or capabilities. We get a little tone deaf to the constant, “I’m sorry that I didn’t pick the perfect time for you not to be late. I’m sorry my birthday fell on Father’s Day. I’m sorry my job requires me to travel, and I missed the school event.” It becomes exhausting and distracting, and I’m sorry statements don’t register as apologies because they are not. They are just avoiding conflict.
The opposite extreme is often termed the non-apologist. This is the person who believes that it is never their fault. Their rare apologies use language that insinuates their responsibility for the error and the need to apologize. For example, I am sorry you are so sensitive and misinterpreted my comment. My friends that is NOT an apology. When you look closer, the non-apologist typically does so to protect themself. Their affiliation with apology ties to a belief that there must be something wrong with them if they made an error that requires apologizing. It is an enormous threat to their self-esteem which is usually a reflection of a very low self-esteem. There is an additional fear that if one apology is made, a thousand others must follow. With an overwhelming mountain of apologies before you, likely the more comfortable option is to not start with one. For the non-apologist, it is the people in their life that learn to live without it. They accept that an apology won’t be made, even when it should. For most people, you can’t live with this forever.
Then there is what I think of as the most common apologizer, the fragmentary apologizer. This person doesn’t over or under apologize but insists on apologizing for exactly and ONLY the part they are responsible for. If I am 48% responsible for the fight, I want to apologize for my 48% and not a single percentage more. I additionally want you to apologize for your 52%. I might even throw in an “I’m the bigger person hereby apologizing first” because you know, I like credit. Or, in a recent event, I had never even considered, insist on what I WON’T apologize for to show how awesome I am in the middle of my apology. I won’t apologize for my ability to master my look of inquiry when on the inside, I wonder where the heck you get off. I won’t apologize for my ability to multitask myself into an early grave, or maybe I won’t apologize for my incredible commitment to my faith, family, or love of sugar but it never hurts to highlight a few of my amazing qualities in the middle of a an “I’m so sorry.” And that my friends is how I like it done. I am 99% certain; I need some work on a proper apology. Apologizing doesn’t mean the wrong is all related to us, but it is taking 100% of the responsibility for the hurt caused.
What does an authentic apology sound like? You certainly know if someone has given you one. You also know if you have labored over one yourself. If nothing comes to mind, we should talk, I can promise you it isn’t because you didn’t owe someone an apology.
Let’s look closer at a genuine apologies components so we can see how we measure up. There is a beautiful book written by Harriet Lerner called, Why Won’t You Apologize. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Wont-You-Apologize-Betrayals/dp/1501129619/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=why+won%27t+you+apologize&qid=1595790396&sr=8-1 Dr. Lerner says there are nine essential components of an apology. I think it is worth looking briefly at each one.
Number one- a real apology does not include the word “but.” But, are you sure, Harriet? I’m sorry I missed calling you on your birthday, BUT I did bring you a gift. I’m sorry I forgot to bring the salad I promised for the potluck, BUT no one likes salad anyway. I’m sorry I am 45 minutes late, BUT the traffic was terrible. If the word “but” is included, it cancels out the apology. It’s like when you are in a fender bender that is your fault, and you say to the person owning the car you hit, “I’m so sorry I hit your car, but on the bright side, at least you aren’t hurt.” If my car is the one that has been rear-ended, you have just stolen my time and made multiple levels of inconvenience. You can take your “but” and shove it. Thanks, but no thanks for the silver lining. There are no BUT’s in apologizing.
Number two, a good apology focuses on your actions and not the other person’s response. This one gets a lot of runway miles in the lives of the highly publicized of the world today. After all, if I can get apology credit, but make it about you instead of me, well, that sounds like #winning. Only it isn’t winning because it ISN’T an apology. “I’m sorry you felt hurt. I know you are sensitive. I’m sorry that my joke offended you. I’m sorry I didn’t meet your expectation. I’m sorry that I love this country more than you. I am sorry my financial status is hard for you. I am sorry for your misunderstanding”. These are faux apologies of the worst order. The language we need to use is. “I’m sorry I said something hurtful to you. I’m sorry I didn’t come through on what I said I would do. I’m sorry about the joke I made; it was inappropriate and wrong. It occurred to me that what I’ve been telling you, is not what I have been modeling to you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry about what I called you; it was inappropriate and wrong”. As you can imagine, this happens so commonly in the workplace, at home, and in the media. It is like taking 25% of the responsibility and laying the other 75% at the feet of whom we have hurt. We would be better off not apologizing at all.
Number three states that a good apology includes an offer of reparation or restitution that fits the error. Let the punishment fit the crime, after all. Atonement can mean saying, “I will work hard to do better. I will consider your feelings next time. I didn’t value the time of our team, and I’m going to make that a priority going forward”. It can mean replacing something you’ve broken or knowing you have to re-build a trust that is lost. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, it just has to make sense with where you went wrong.
Number four puts a stop to over apologizing. As we discussed above, the over-apologizer cannot help but take something that requires a sincere apology and find 100 different ways to apologize. This forces the recipient into soothing the apologizer to make them feel better. It takes away from the actual apology itself. For those who naturally fall to a guilty conscience, they desire to be made feel better, but it is an unfair ask. It can look like this. I’m sorry I’m such a bad mother that I didn’t get you what you needed for school. I’m sorry I’m such a bad daughter that I didn’t come to visit you in the hospital. I’m sorry that I’m such a terrible friend that I forgot your special day. This is not an apology; this is a high-jacking of the narrative.
Number five is one of my personal go-to’s, who is MORE to blame, and who started it? I have trouble owning my piece and who doesn’t like to keep points on all the moments that led to this one. I want to catch you in the middle of the apology with examples of where YOU might have been wrong to head you off at the pass. If you say- “you always,” I will almost certainly site I time when I didn’t. It becomes a battle of the quicker mind and the sharper tongue. A sincere apology does not require that the other participant know or admit their part. Since we know most fights are about both parties, this makes number five a very humbling task. I can’t bring up the 47 other times when you have been late, forgotten something important, or not done what you said you were going to to flip my apology into being your fault. I can only 100% own what I did. This means I basically have to listen hard and zip it up.
Number six requires that we try our hardest not to repeat the error. If I have done or said something terrible to hurt someone, but I have no intention of doing it any differently in the future, the apology is a moot point. After all, the goal of the apology is primarily to make the hurt party feel better. It can also make me feel better because it forces me to see myself objectively and take responsibility for my actions. Most importantly, it re-sets our relationship so we can begin again. If there is no actual intention to grow, there is no point in the apology, and our words are wasted.
Number seven is tough because of my earlier comment about putting things to rest. Our apologies cannot serve to “silence” the other person. We cannot offer an apology, so the person we have hurt will shut up about what happened. A typical scenario related to this is infidelity. When someone has been unfaithful, their apology cannot be with the intention that their spouse has future silence about the cheating and is required to put it to rest. As much as we tire about hearing when we have hurt someone, a true apology does not serve to quiet another.
Number eight coordinates with number seven in whom our apology is serving. A true apology should not be offered to make you, the apologizer, feel better. You may receive this gift after the apology because you have been forgiven. If you intend to appease your guilt, you are looking at it wrong. The first goal of the apology must be to take ownership and make the hurt party know that you own your error. No matter how guilt-ridden you are, your intention cannot be to soothe yourself.
And at last number nine is that a sincere apology doesn’t ask the hurt party to do ANYTHING. It doesn’t even demand forgiveness. An apology is not a bargaining chip. It doesn’t require a timeline or a process. The hurt party can indeed manipulate an apology with demands, and an absence of forgiveness can send a clear message of the hurt caused. An apology doesn’t always end the conversation with the neatly packaged bow we so greatly desire. Forgiveness must be disconnected as a requirement of apologizing.
Apologies are difficult for good reason. When we say “sorry/not sorry,” what we mean is, not sorry. Or for me, I feel guilty, so let me throw together an apology. An apology’s real purpose is to de-escalate, to take ownership as the apologizer, and to allow a relationship to heal. We are told from the time we are very young that we MUST accept apologies when given. That is not true. We must not use power over when someone apologizes; we must use power with. We must acknowledge when someone is genuinely sorry and recognizes the harm done, but forgiveness is not required. If we can come to a place of forgiveness, we should act accordingly. Keeping someone in forgiveness limbo as a trick is as hurtful as a lousy apology.
Apologies require us to let down our defensiveness and give up the version of ourselves that imagine that we always do it right. Apologies can explain our behavior without excusing it. Keeping ourselves on a platform of always doing things perfectly becomes a heavy burden and rickety platform that cannot last. It takes a large and steady self-esteem space to make an actual apology. No apology has meaning if we cannot acknowledge the hurt parties’ pain, even if we don’t understand it.
I’m going to end with this to address my elephant in the room. We all say and do foolish and unforgivable things sometimes. We have our best and worst days, and sometimes the recipient of our worst day is a nameless and faceless victim that doesn’t deserve it. I often find myself making a glib remark and later realizing the hurt I may have caused by my failure to recognize what my statement might mean to someone else. As a nation, we have categorized this as “snowflake” to shield us from the need to apologize. The language we use in the safety of our homes is often different than what we use publicly. We have spaces to vent in private and areas where more is expected of us, particularly when it comes to family and colleagues. My words to my children about their teachers, family members, and people who help serve our communities matter. My words about my colleagues’ matter. We teach this to our kids, and our expectations should be the same for ourselves. Using de-humanizing language to anyone at any time requires an authentic and sincere ownership apology. This is a national habit that we must work hard to break. Vilifying someone or a group of people to get ourselves out of a sticky situation or to gain power, is disgusting. This could have been an ask for authentic forgiveness due to a hot headed moment and error in language and judgment. A lesson for ourselves and our children. The faux apology performed merely attempted to paint the culprit as the victim and force a retort. I don’t care if you hate that person with every last bone in your body or if you know that person has said as much or worse (see above, there is no scorekeeping). We are responsible for making better choices than those that have been done to us. Let’s do better.
Do the work, look at it differently, try it a new way
Advice From A Friend: I’m sorry isn’t a phrase of weakness