Welcome friends to week 22 of a little advice from a friend. New things are always hard for me. I like consistent and reliable schedules that I can repeat in my sleep. I don’t love this quality in myself, but I have come to accept it. What I do love is when I get to about week 5 of things, and I’ve got the hang of it and can put myself on autopilot. Mike may say, what do we have on Tuesday, and I can rattle off EXACTLY what we have on Tuesday. I’m not sure this should be such a moment of pride for me. This week was a nick of time week for us. That means, we managed to be there, right in the nick of time with just enough of what we needed. (I went with the NO on buying school supplies, by the way, so thanks to those who gave me permission for that!). I have come to accept this as a way of life because that is the best I’ve got to bring to the table this week. I did not have a perfectly decorated adorable work-station for each of my kids (but I LOVED the pictures of those who did). They did all have a pencil, a notebook, and a laptop, so I call that a win. I find myself strangely more welcoming and forgiving, running at this pace. It is that “haggard but present” kind of place for me, and sometimes, it brings out a different type of best in me.
I was not home a lot during homeschooling this week. I worried about my kid’s ability to self-monitor, regulate, be on when they needed, not be tempted by their phones or videogames, or even by just sleeping in. I resisted the urge to nag my kids about if they were where they were supposed to be at the time they were to be there. I gave them the, I need you to own this for you and me. As far as I know, they did. When we tasted the ultimate freedom of Friday, everyone breathed a big sigh. The limited words of the week (we had a heavy grunt in response week) came out in plenty on Friday. They had been storing them, reserving them until they knew better. They didn’t need the emotional exhaustion of giving me the play by play during the week (which I kind of wanted but yet didn’t). They ended the week feeling happy that we had finally started. They got familiar with the animal in front of them and felt that “I can do this” feeling. I felt it too.
What this felt like, was a new level of maturity. Every school year, I look at those back to school pictures from five years ago, three years ago, even last year, and think they’ve grown so much. When did this happen, did I sleep through it? But they haven’t just grown physically, they have grown intellectually, and emotionally. Their little brains have changed and connected. They speak a little differently; they formulate ideas a little quicker; they sometimes even see outside of what is happening to THEM. This, my friends, is maturity, and it is good to stop and see it because it is happening in the same way they are 2 inches taller.
Whether we like it or not, our kids are coming from a generation that knows too much too soon. They are told to say how they feel and fight for what they want, and yet be careful of what they post as it may destroy their college possibilities and, ultimately, the rest of their life. What they have seen on TV, their laptops and phones can’t be filtered to only what we want them to see at the age we want them to view it. We instruct them to stand up for those that need it, yet, don’t insert yourself into trouble as it might be dangerous. Their mixed messages come from social media, their peers, and even us. Sometimes, I think about how lucky I was not to know too much too soon. It is quite a burden.
Maturity is a big word in all that it represents. Our expectation of what maturity looks like in our kids, and ourselves changes with our life experience and aging. If we have a child who can easily keep track of themselves, we usually expect even more. If we have a child who has trouble staying on a carpet square for 5 minutes, we temper our expectations (eventually, sometimes this takes a while). There is nothing wrong with this. The idea that every child or every person is going to easily be able to behave in the same way in all circumstances gets us in trouble. Maturity, like physical growth, doesn’t happen at equal speed for everyone, but we sure forget that sometimes when we are in the midst of it.
The reality is, irresponsible behavior, mood swings, and lack of cooperation are age appropriate at certain times. I remember a long time ago when my pediatrician told me to read the books titled by age. For example, “Your Six-Year-Old, Loving and Defiant.” When desperation called, and I would finally resort to reading the book, I would think, YES, that is why you are acting like such a fool, that is the best you can do. I changed my expectation, and we made it through three six-year-olds loving and defiant phase. As my kids became teenagers, I read every article I could find about what to expect and tips on raising teenagers. I read about the years of most likely rebellion, the years of big attitude swings, and the years of heavy peer influence. This helped me put a lot together on what to expect and what boundaries to set. I remember a moment a couple of years ago when my daughter was crying for literally no good reason, and I said, “Why in the world are you crying?” Her answer was honest and pure, “I have NO idea.” (then I started reading books about tween girls).
Our kids often can’t explain why they feel how they feel or why they did what they did. Their brain is changing. They are exposed to a lot, which slows that process DOWN instead of speeding it up. We know by now that brains don’t fully mature until our early 20’s, but we don’t always know what that looks like in a real kid. The stops and starts are confusing and even paralyzing. Why does your child exhibit the same bad behavior over and over? Perhaps they don’t have the neural capacity to find their way out of it.
Maturity begins with small steps. You all may have seen the TiKTock with the kids and the treats. The parent puts something temping right in front of the toddler and then says something to the effect of, you can have this when I get back, but don’t eat it until I do. Then they walk away. The child is alone, no supervision, and the test is, do they have the ability to delay gratification. When watching these videos, it occurred to me that these toddlers seem to have more ability to do this than I do to delay gratification (as I stare a chocolate brownie in the face that I want to eat for breakfast.). I watched like 30 videos, and in every single one, the toddler didn’t eat the treat! Why can a toddler do it, but a teenager can’t?
Growth in maturity takes a hefty combination of time, feedback, experience, and for me, prayer. Fostering maturity can help the same way that proper nutrition can help with physical growth. It starts with remembering where they were and where they are now. This can be so easily forgotten on the first day of school, while the 3-inch height difference cannot.
For younger children, an ability to get yourself dressed, remember to brush your teeth, put on your shoes is a big deal. For a teenager, a decision to ask permission, vs. forgiveness to take the car shows maturity. The choice to tell you that something is broken instead of hiding it. The admittance that they didn’t finish their work before they got on to start gaming says a lot. Celebrating a child/teenager recognition of error is a way of fostering maturity. Perhaps your child can’t be on the 40-minute zoom call yet independently, but maybe they can move from 15 to 20. This is a big deal and can be celebrated. Perhaps they aren’t meeting the universal bar, but you know that they are raising theirs. This is how we take our people and move them along in maturity, by knowing what is typical, by understanding our child and by setting reasonable expectations. (Don’t put a chocolate brownie in front of me at breakfast and expect it to be there at lunch).
Here are some things I have worked on with my own family when it comes to maturity. Maturity means learning early on that if we over-invest in people’s flattery or criticism, it leads to trouble. If I am perpetually looking to someone to cheer me on to fill myself worth bucket, this will no doubt run dry. By the same token, if I allow the criticism of others to fill my head with messaging, no doubt I will end up feeling, in the words of my father, lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon rut. My identity and self-worth come from me; it has too. Beginning that messaging in younger children is critical for the social media road ahead.
Maturity means learning to acknowledge feelings and their role. Learning to regulate emotions, to act from a place of maturity, will allow better relationships, better communication, and overall a life that is rich with a variety of different types of people. It is never the feeling that is the problem; it is the action that is a result of the feeling. The repeated messaging for toddlers that you can be frustrated, but you cannot bite/hit is the most straightforward example. In a teenage version, it may be, you can not like your teacher, but you still have to be respectful and do the work. Acknowledging feelings allows maturity because it doesn’t make anyone feel “bad” about the way they feel. What it will enable is us to feel normal. I’m frustrated that you have to be in front of a screen all day too, it stinks. However, this is where we are and what we have to do to get back in the classroom safely, hopefully.
Maturity means learning to pause. This means not always saying exactly what is going through our heads. I think this may be equally difficult for adults as it is for children. It is the impulse control exercise in another form. Sometimes on the inside, is precisely where our feelings belong. It usually requires that we, as the parent, can handle something better than our emotionally volatile child. They are on the rollercoaster; we are on the platform. Our children have a much better shot at maturity if they see an example of it from us. This means when we don’t act maturely (which if you are like me is happening pretty regularly right now), we highlight it, we explain it, and we reflect on why our comment or response was immature and inappropriate.
Maturity means, when there is an opportunity NOT to personalize something, I take it and encourage my kids to do the same. If a friend chooses a sleepover with another child instead of yours, if your teenager gets broken up with, if someone flakes out at me at the last minute, what better opportunity to discuss the option of not personalizing. When we put ourselves on the chopping block of allowing other people to decide if we are a good enough friend for the sleepover or a good enough partner for the relationship, we risk a lot, and we usually lose the self-esteem battle. Maturity also means we do not have to love or agree with others universally. I don’t have to like my boss, my neighbor, my best friend’s friend, or my carpool partner. When we use language that reflects that we will not be universally loved or agreed with, we give our worth back to ourselves. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, and it should make us mad or sad, but it does mean that we give ourselves the freedom not to have to be likable to everyone. There is continued growth after realizing a feeling that someone just doesn’t get us. When we have been disappointed by someone, the story we tell ourselves and the “why’s” is often not an accurate one. There is no medal at the end of our life because we managed to be liked by everyone, or we were never broken up with. There is great freedom in not having to personalize everyone’s feelings about us and, in turn, not having to justify our beliefs about others.
Maturity, COVID-19 style, requires us to tell our families and ourselves that these are unusually stressful times. Not getting the smooth road we want, the classes we want, the ideal learning environment we want, the sorority/fraternity we want, the happy attitudes we want, the sports we want, HURTS, but we still control how we react. Acknowledgment of these hurts is critical, but a cool head is just as needed. Using phrases like, I know this hurts, I know this isn’t what you wanted, I know you disagree, I know you deserved something different than what you got, I know this isn’t the senior/freshman year you looked forward to, DOES matter. I wish it were easier, and not, let me fix it for you. Fixing does not allow the building blocks of maturity.
It is our season for maturity as we move ahead and tackle additional unknowns. Take a moment to think of how you have grown and how your people have too.
Get outside, count your blessing, take your time
Advice From A Friend: Foster an environment and relationships that breed maturity
PS: I will put some of favorite parenting books on my website this week!!!
